breaking up, change, cheating, contrast, dangerous, falling in love, feeling, feelings, gloomy, happiness, happy, hate, heart, letting go, loosing love, love, love and hate, love story, lust and love, new, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, question, reflection, short stories, short story, story

Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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falling in love, loosing love, love, love story, poem, poetry, short story, story

Dalliance

It was full moon, when my world fell away,

And just for a second,

We were the starburst of light amongst the darkening dusk.

The kiss was slow and soft,

Comforting.

The night was crisp,

I was tracing raindrops down your cars dusty windows,

Racing them against each other.

Unexpectedly, I felt your hand on my thigh.

Until now, it had all felt natural,

But your grip was so different, quite strong,

Rather mechanical.

Suddenly all warmth was gone, I felt cold,

Started to shiver.

You looked at me,

And I knew, this would never work out.

See through me,

See through my opague silk cover,

My evanescent eyes.

In my sickishly sweet presence,

Most crumble to dust.

I let the wind surreptitiously sweep them into nights soft darknesss,

And the hissing of the wind taking them away,

Sings me sweet lullaby tunes.

Ill enchant you to want my presence,

To touch my velvet skin,

But all I really need you to do,

Is for you to see through me,

And see beauty in my, initially, demure presence.

But you probably won’t.

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Everything, that never was real.

Do you remember

Her graceful dances to Mozarts tunes on Sunday nights?

And how she led your hands up her thighs after dimming the lights?  

How she spoke in riddles, and playfully twisted her curls,

She was not like any of the other girls.

Do you remember

Her silky black hair flowing down your fingers like sweet water droplets?

Eyes as vibrant as her adventurous soul had always been to you,

And how your were inseperable like waterproof glue?

You loved how she blushed with just the right touch of shyness.

Do you remember? Do you?

Do you remember

(It was the 6th of December,)

How endearingly she smiled at you, but her eyes weren’t the same.

Her pearly teeth were showing, but her eyes, showed pain.

And how she walked away, taking small steps.

Do you remember? Do you?

Do you remember

Watching her stand outside on a Sunday night,

Watching snow fall in the suns fiery light?

Her gaze seemed lost in space, another dimension.

And no matter how hard you tried, you never got her attention.

Do you remember

How, when you put her to sleep,

She would quietly start to weep?

And her tears of pearls were beautiful and divine,

So you ran you fingers down her spine, “are you ok?”- “Its alright, Im fine.”

Do you remember? Of course you do.

Sundays with sweet mozart tunes, slowly slipped away.

And her tears soon faded altogether, with her happiness, day by day.

Her riddles started getting twisted in the dark,

And you stopped taking long walks by the park.

No more kisses on your forehead.

Nothing.

Do you remember

The scene when you came home?

She was naked, abused, and alone.

And blood was dripping from those once so vibrant eyes,

Down her spine.

Nothing about this was beautiful, nor divine.

Her elegant curves hung in harmony on a rope off the sky.

And you asked yourself,

“How could this once so happy creature, want to die?”

A little letter lay in spilled red;

“Im sorry, my love, forget me, I am now dead.

And its not your fault, you couldn’t know,

That my whole life, I was putting on a show.

So, my love, move on, move on. Let me disappear into red tinted snow.”

And its been 5 years, since that fateful day,

When your angel was taken away.

Life never went on, and everything is frozen in time.

Your love, was it really as strong as a dime?

You do remember, but do you want to?

Remember everything about you two, and what you went through?

Maybe its better to join her in the skies,

To be able to stare into her beautiful eyes…

To be able to hear her soothing voice and feel,

Everything, that never was real.

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“Let Me Take You Away!”

Spotting her is a mere child’s play,

She makes all the other flowers look black and grey.

Her face is pale, but her lips are rushing red,

She smiles like there is something she’s keeping from you, something remains unsaid.

Her eyes a soft washed out green, so beautiful, so divine,

Her silky hair effortlessly falls down her spine.

She smiled at me with just the right touch of blush and shyness, and used to say,

“Darling, hold my hands, let me take you away.”

“You look confused and alone, my dear.”

She used to whisper into my ear.

She knew from just a touch,

Who I was, and she didn’t judge.

She was the one who brought happiness to me,

I was blinded by something so effortlessly beautiful, she.

But once my smile had returned,

I held her hand once again, something wasn’t right, it burned.

“Darling, hold my hand, and take me away.”

“Darling please, I dont want to stay.”

Her mouth lie in a thin morbid line,

It looked so unnatural, like they were not used right, to their design.

“Take me away!” She said again, this time louder.

She dropped to the floor, like a dehydrated flower.

“Take me away…” She cried. “Take me away.”

“Forever, please, I dont want to stay”

Her cry had a rawness to it, like a freshly cut open wound.

I just stood there, utterly astound.

I took her cold hand, almost like ice, dead.

And I realised, her hands were red.

Her eyes were dripping flames ,

Everything clashed together, lives unspoken worries and pains.

I couldn’t believe that this girl, who had showed me life,

Would leave it, by just the cut of her little pocket knife.

And I still remember what she used to say,

“Hold my hand, let me take you away. “

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Rusty Rooftops

I just wanna climb on the rusty rooftops with you,
And lay down on the creaky old, cold metal
You can take me into your arms and I will feel warmth trickling down my spine
And stare with you at the blue moon and stars, and get distracted by your eyes, so sublime.
I can almost feel your fingers run through my hair,
And hear your voice chatter into the light of the stars as we lay in the midst of chilled gloomy air.
Our bodies are freezing and the only warmth we get is by gentle kisses
I’ll let our minds wander off into the stars and infinities of the night time sky.
Say goodbye to planet earth, but soon
The sun will rise and warm our bodies with the first light of the day,
And we will wake up to each other, just smile.
Just exchange looks and say nothing for a while.
There are no words to express how we feel right now.
Oh how I love those rusty rooftops,
Of my imagination.

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Pure bitter, Ice cold Heart

You talk to her and you feel,

This sudden warmth, you feel alive, real.

Eyes as glimmering green as emerald, shining in the morning sun,

Studying your lips, giving you that glimpse, it will stay in your mind forever, cant be undone.

You feel your heart melting like vanilla ice cream on the hottest of summer days,

You ask yourself how all that could happen by just her gaze?

You feel you’re the only one, the chosen. She has chosen you!

Oh darling, if only you knew.

If only you knew the things she’s got in her mind about you, you`d run.

But what would be the fun in you gone?

She’s playing with your heart, haven`t you noticed?

Its challenging, especially when you`re so focused

On her eyes, theres something magical about them, or is there?

They are slowly penetrating your chest, your heart is at its weakest now.

And all it took was a couple of seconds for her to get there… how?

She knows how to play this game,

For every victim its more or less, the same!

Make them feel loved and forget all the pain,

and weaken their hearts to their most vulnerable state.

In the beginnings they never notice, only little clues.

She smiles when you’re in pain, seems to be amused.

You touching her hand,

Its cold, like nighttime frozen sand.

You kiss and her eyes are open,

She wants your pain, wants to see you broken.

But she’s made you blind to all this, you are hooked and she is your drug.

You long for more and more, with every touch, kiss, even hug.

You want to run your fingers through her luscious hair,

Go through life with her without a care,

You want to be together, exist as two,

Let nothing ever separate you.

But just when you have been glued to her soul,

And you’re ever so close to reaching your goal,

And you stand  on a cliff, its beautiful.

The blue moon is shining and everything seems as usual.

You dont notice the drop, you’re so close now, she can almost taste it.

And darling you, still believe both you you will never split.

She looks at you one last time.

She seems so beautiful now, so sublime.

And all it takes is a small push.

For you to fall and rip your heart from hers.

It hurts, like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

But to her, it was nothing but a chore, as you hit the floor.

You cry yourself to sleep and seem to think that she is too,

You were in love with her, so mustn`t she be in love with you?

I hate to disappoint, but you’ve missed, that even though you thought her heart was made of gold,

Her heart is just pure, bitter, ice, cold.

And all it needs to live, is others pain.

And now you stand here alone, in the rain.

Too bad her feelings are gone and she doesn’t care,

And this chain reaction all started with just, one glare.

Her heart is made of ice.

And every new soul she catches, has to pay a price.

So congratulations, you’re one of them.

Your life-long pain

Will feed her bitter heart, as you are nothing to her, but her daily champagne.

If only you knew her heart wasn’t made out of gold,

But that it was pure bitter, ice cold.

You might have lived.

Might.

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