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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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gloomy, life, live, love, motivational, poem, poems, poertry, poetry, short stories, short story, story, things, Uncategorized, wings

Rusty Rooftops

I just wanna climb on the rusty rooftops with you,
And lay down on the creaky old, cold metal
You can take me into your arms and I will feel warmth trickling down my spine
And stare with you at the blue moon and stars, and get distracted by your eyes, so sublime.
I can almost feel your fingers run through my hair,
And hear your voice chatter into the light of the stars as we lay in the midst of chilled gloomy air.
Our bodies are freezing and the only warmth we get is by gentle kisses
I’ll let our minds wander off into the stars and infinities of the night time sky.
Say goodbye to planet earth, but soon
The sun will rise and warm our bodies with the first light of the day,
And we will wake up to each other, just smile.
Just exchange looks and say nothing for a while.
There are no words to express how we feel right now.
Oh how I love those rusty rooftops,
Of my imagination.

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gloomy, hate, life, love, love and hate, mood, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, short stories, short story, story

Pure bitter, Ice cold Heart

You talk to her and you feel,

This sudden warmth, you feel alive, real.

Eyes as glimmering green as emerald, shining in the morning sun,

Studying your lips, giving you that glimpse, it will stay in your mind forever, cant be undone.

You feel your heart melting like vanilla ice cream on the hottest of summer days,

You ask yourself how all that could happen by just her gaze?

You feel you’re the only one, the chosen. She has chosen you!

Oh darling, if only you knew.

If only you knew the things she’s got in her mind about you, you`d run.

But what would be the fun in you gone?

She’s playing with your heart, haven`t you noticed?

Its challenging, especially when you`re so focused

On her eyes, theres something magical about them, or is there?

They are slowly penetrating your chest, your heart is at its weakest now.

And all it took was a couple of seconds for her to get there… how?

She knows how to play this game,

For every victim its more or less, the same!

Make them feel loved and forget all the pain,

and weaken their hearts to their most vulnerable state.

In the beginnings they never notice, only little clues.

She smiles when you’re in pain, seems to be amused.

You touching her hand,

Its cold, like nighttime frozen sand.

You kiss and her eyes are open,

She wants your pain, wants to see you broken.

But she’s made you blind to all this, you are hooked and she is your drug.

You long for more and more, with every touch, kiss, even hug.

You want to run your fingers through her luscious hair,

Go through life with her without a care,

You want to be together, exist as two,

Let nothing ever separate you.

But just when you have been glued to her soul,

And you’re ever so close to reaching your goal,

And you stand  on a cliff, its beautiful.

The blue moon is shining and everything seems as usual.

You dont notice the drop, you’re so close now, she can almost taste it.

And darling you, still believe both you you will never split.

She looks at you one last time.

She seems so beautiful now, so sublime.

And all it takes is a small push.

For you to fall and rip your heart from hers.

It hurts, like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

But to her, it was nothing but a chore, as you hit the floor.

You cry yourself to sleep and seem to think that she is too,

You were in love with her, so mustn`t she be in love with you?

I hate to disappoint, but you’ve missed, that even though you thought her heart was made of gold,

Her heart is just pure, bitter, ice, cold.

And all it needs to live, is others pain.

And now you stand here alone, in the rain.

Too bad her feelings are gone and she doesn’t care,

And this chain reaction all started with just, one glare.

Her heart is made of ice.

And every new soul she catches, has to pay a price.

So congratulations, you’re one of them.

Your life-long pain

Will feed her bitter heart, as you are nothing to her, but her daily champagne.

If only you knew her heart wasn’t made out of gold,

But that it was pure bitter, ice cold.

You might have lived.

Might.

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