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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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letting go, life, love, poems, poertry, poetry, positive vs negative, problems, question, relationships, sad

Completely taken by her…

Never had I seen such a beauty before.

Never found, what I was unconsciously always looking for.

But now she was right in front of me,

Being just the perfectly imperfect beauty that she wanted to be.

Curly luscious long hair falling down her spine,

And those eyes I could stare into for days, so sublime.

You see, this had never in my whole life happened to me.

And then it came to me,

Like a thousand bricks falling onto me, cutting my wounds freshly open.

I occurred to me, that this kind of love, would some day get me broken. 

And they would scream and laugh and point at me,

Just because I was following my heart and what I wanted to be,

Happy.

But we never quite get our happiness the moment we crave it,

Especially not with forbidden love, considered a “crime” if I were to commit.

Should I forget about those green eyes and how they glanced at me when I smiled?

Should I forget the feeling of how her adorable freckles covered by pieces of hazel colored locks, made me go wild?

And how she told me how pretty she thought I was, with a shy blush on her face,

And how she listened to my stories with interest and grace.

It’s too late now, I can’t forget.

And even if I tried, I would later carry immense regret.

Should I follow my heart, to the love I so crave?

Or should I ignore love, keep a smile, sit down and stay well put together and behaved?

This was the moment I realized that love was a real thing,

Too bad that mine,

Didn’t fall on the given line.

And that I,

Would have to let my love fly…

…or should I?

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gloomy, life, poem, poems, poetry, question, sad

Bitter

Please tell me, I need to know, why are you so bitter?

If I had a coffee without milk and sugar, that would be you.

Please tell me, I need to know, why do you shiver? Its not even cold.

If I had a dried up rose, and dipped it in lemon juice, that would be you.

Please tell me, I need to know, why do you cry at night? I hear you through the doors and walls.

If I had an unripe apple, that would be you.

Please tell me, I need to know, why dont you smile anymore? Its reflecting upon your loved ones, havent you noticed?

If I had an half empty glass of water, that would be you.

Please tell, I have to know, what do you talk about? It doesn’t make sense.

If I had a bunch of sad children who just got robbed of their toys, that would be you.

Please tell me, I want to know, why are you wearing a mask that smiles every once in a while? When you’re sobbing underneath it, yes I see that.

Yes I notice you cry, even if you aren’t physically.

But your eyes tell stories, but I am yet to find out their meaning.

Please tell, I want to know, why are you so bitter? Thats not you.

Where have you gone?

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