breaking up, change, cheating, contrast, dangerous, falling in love, feeling, feelings, gloomy, happiness, happy, hate, heart, letting go, loosing love, love, love and hate, love story, lust and love, new, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, question, reflection, short stories, short story, story

Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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letting go, life, love, poems, poertry, poetry, positive vs negative, problems, question, relationships, sad

Completely taken by her…

Never had I seen such a beauty before.

Never found, what I was unconsciously always looking for.

But now she was right in front of me,

Being just the perfectly imperfect beauty that she wanted to be.

Curly luscious long hair falling down her spine,

And those eyes I could stare into for days, so sublime.

You see, this had never in my whole life happened to me.

And then it came to me,

Like a thousand bricks falling onto me, cutting my wounds freshly open.

I occurred to me, that this kind of love, would some day get me broken. 

And they would scream and laugh and point at me,

Just because I was following my heart and what I wanted to be,

Happy.

But we never quite get our happiness the moment we crave it,

Especially not with forbidden love, considered a “crime” if I were to commit.

Should I forget about those green eyes and how they glanced at me when I smiled?

Should I forget the feeling of how her adorable freckles covered by pieces of hazel colored locks, made me go wild?

And how she told me how pretty she thought I was, with a shy blush on her face,

And how she listened to my stories with interest and grace.

It’s too late now, I can’t forget.

And even if I tried, I would later carry immense regret.

Should I follow my heart, to the love I so crave?

Or should I ignore love, keep a smile, sit down and stay well put together and behaved?

This was the moment I realized that love was a real thing,

Too bad that mine,

Didn’t fall on the given line.

And that I,

Would have to let my love fly…

…or should I?

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blood, change, dramatic, end, family, feeling, feelings, letting go, love, motivational, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, problems

Let my Hand Go

Let my hand go,

Let me disappear into red tinted snow.

Can’t you see I have feelings too?

Can’t you understand I have to let you go, because I love you?

I know it’s harsh and hardly sane,

But this is how I deal with pain.

How am I ever going to find my guiding light,

If you keep me hidden away at night? 

Please don’t cry, please don’t cry,

I know it’s hard to break the bond of you and I.

it was always us two, 

You know me, and I know you.

Two cold hearts unite to an uncomprehendable to most friendship,

We never cried, until this whole story took a flip.

And now we have no choice but to be teared apart,

And we wish we could play our story from the start.

But don’t you realize we have to move on?

The world keeps spinning, and our hearts will stay as one.

And every night before you go to sleep, 

Look at the moon, and sky’s stars so deep.

Remember my tunes in your times of sadness, 

Or forget me if it can cure your madness.

Just what matters the most to me,

Is your happiness, don’t you see?

So after you let go of my hand,

Wherever you gotta go, whatever you gotta do,

Just remember that I’ll always be in your heart, and I’ll always love you. 

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family, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, together

Altogether

Its warm and sun rays are warming my face,

A fresh breeze is flowing around tunes of the double bass.

We are together, we are one.

Its been a long time since we’ve had this much fun.

I missed you, I must say.

You’re always gone, sad, or away.

Its been a long time since we had a laugh all together, it feels like its been years!

It feels like all this time you’ve only been drowning in tears.

You never notice but you affect the mood of me,

Even the the mood of the rest of our little family.

And every time I see you destroy a little more of yourself,

It affects me too.

So being together and united again,

Is such a wonderful thing, and all the pain, is washed away by the rain.

I love to see everyone smile together,

And dance around in circles in sunny weather!

Lets make this feeling last,

Lets stay vibrant and jolly like the greenest of grass.

And lets hold our hands, and never let them go,

The only thing that matters is that we are there for each other, and that, we have to show.

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dark, Death, feelings, goomy, life, mood, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, sad, scary

When my day comes

When my day comes,
The day that all left of me will be my souls crumbs ,
And my color fades away,
I have one request, if I may.
Don’t lock me in a box and burry me deep under.
Why? You might wonder.
Well, Reaching the end of my days,
I will sink into darkness, say goodbye to my life lived in color and craze.
So Don’t just burry me in the ground.
It’s so dark and cold down there, nothing beautiful to be found.
Ill just be another set of rusty bones locked away
From society to forget, not to remember, my memory will get lost, no one will pray.
A long lost soul caught in a box beneath the ground,
This scares me, I’ll be locked in the darkness never to be thought of, or found.
I know one day all my memories will fade and I’ve come to terms with that,
But to be buried in cold soil of sorrow will make my soul crave light, want to come out of the colorless matte.
Instead sprinkle me on forests of green,
So I can feel lights beam.
Sprinkle some in the waters of the ocean,
So I can be one with waves emotion.
Let my colors fly free,
I might be gone on earth, but my colors will be able to fly free spiritually.
Just don’t lock me in the dark,
Don’t do that to me,
Leave my soul the Beauty of this world, let it flow free.

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change, cold hearted, dangerous, dark, goomy, mood, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative

No one can read me, not even you.

No one can read me, not even you.

No one can see me, so whatever you see, you should think through.

My eyes are blank and my heart is cold, they say.

And feelings are nothing but the mixture of colours on the floor in fall, all swept away.

You might not know, but whilst Im smiling, Im dying inside.

You might not notice, but when I tell you Im fine, that is just another night I cried.

You dont know my past, I dont expect you to.

No one knows my past, no one, not even you.

You dont know me, I know you dont.

You dont know me, you can try to find out, but I cant let you, I wont.

How can you act the way you do, when Im supposed to be the one in distress?

How can you throw me away and believe I dont notice?

Ive been thrown away before, and with every time, I get more numb.

And now look at me, look at what Ive become.

Ive become someone no one knows, not even you.

So whatever you do to me, you should think through.

You may know my passions in life, but my not my past,

Which still dwells over me, its been some time, but time runs fast.

My skin burns everyday,

But since no one knows, you still treat me like trash, I pay.

Stop please, just stop. I cry under water to make it seem like its nothing.

The tears mix with the salt water, but dont you see Im drowning?

Im locked in a prison cell, bound down with ice cold chains.

Stop please, just stop. My mask will fall off from the tears.

And I will have to face my biggest fears.

Give me a hug, I need it now.

Force me if I refuse. Even if I dont allow.

Give my little heart some warmth, I need it.

You dont know me, but you can try,

To give me a smile, and make the bad fly.

No one can read me, not even you.

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love and hate, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, robot

Psychotic

She is scared, for she suspects she doesn’t have a heart.

Yes she is blank towards love, hate, her loved one and her being apart.

People are nothing to her but blind puppets wondering around earth,

Trying to find someone that is worth.

She feels no one is.

She is frightened of her reaction to putting someone in pain,

Puts a smile to her face, she feels almost inhumane.

She knows she’s crazy, but to what extent is something crazy and not, psychotic?

She completely blocks all pain, love, she’s almost robotic.

Trying to understand her emotionless self.

Still, there is a little heart left at the bottom of her chest,

She feels it takes control every now and then, giving her hope, she isn’t completely possessed.

Her eyes have the power to influence people by just one stare, and so does her smile,

And she can bring happiness to people, every once in a while.

Even though her heart is small.

Confusion is her friend, confusion of being something she would hate to be.

She tries to get her heart back, but theres no guarantee.

She keeps on being numb to life and love.

Love being something that has to be used and quickly disposed off.

Events in the past are dwelling in her dreams when she goes to bed every night,

And for a long time they were something she used to fight.

But when her strength left and the past and present took over,

Her hearts liveliness disappeared and the heart beat became slower.

But there is hope with the little heart left, even though she might be

Psychic.

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