breaking up, change, cheating, contrast, dangerous, falling in love, feeling, feelings, gloomy, happiness, happy, hate, heart, letting go, loosing love, love, love and hate, love story, lust and love, new, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, question, reflection, short stories, short story, story

Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

Standard
blood, breaking up, feeling, loosing love, love, pain, poem, poems, poetry

The Dust of the Clouds

She’s crying tears of air, into dusty clouds.

And she’s wrapping pieces of herself, into bloody shrouds.

She thought for once, her smile might stay,

Hoped her happiness, would never go away.

But now again, the cycle ends, these things, they never stay.

She’s smiling, yes, the brightest of all, but is she really okay?

And she’s gullible, she knows she is, but now its become too much.

He’s only using her, for his own needs, for lust and sex and such.

And her ink, got spilled, and its dripping off the roof.

Now theres no way to catch it, from its bitter truth.

And her hands they tremble, her eyes, they cry,

About a love she never got, but she doesn’t understand why.

And he’s stabbing her, she’s nothing to him, she never ever was.

She danced the most beautiful of her dances, but never got applause.

She loved him like no other, got caught in his trap,

She knew he was trouble, was waiting for the string to snap.

And she’s laying on the floor, bare, and bleeds. 

“So this is where the path of love, I guess, leads.”

“This is what happens when for this one time,”

“I unveil my full self, what a crime.”

And no one is sweeping her red ink away,

None can help her, this red ink will leave its mark and always stay.

And as the dusty clouds slowly fade into the dark,

Her tears haven’t left one single mark.

The only one, who ever pained, was she.

And the only one who every drowned in the sea,

Was her. And her stains of blood will never leave.

And so will her anger, sadness, sorrow and grieve.

And now she’s truly alone.

She’s lost,

In the dust of the clouds.

Standard
blood, imagery, love, lust, poem, poems, poetry

What Am I To You?

What am I to you?

I want to know.

Paint a picture with my blood, in freshly fallen snow.

What do you feel, when you see me smile?

Oh I so wonder, if to you, I was ever worth while.

Go on, this vibrant ink will soon run out!

At least this way, Ill know what you’re all about. 

And Im expecting a picture I wouldn’t want to see,

Which is you, in a world, separated from me.

And in that case my used up ink will be worth while,

My life will drown away, and so will my smile.

Oh how much I loved you, you’ll never know.

But I guess, you gotta learn to let these things go.

I know I was only an object to fulfil your lust,

So there is nothing else to be discussed.

Just leave me behind, let my blood sicker into the cold,

Its time for my coldest darkest corners to finally unfold. 

And now Im back to being, my cold hearted, old self.

Now its all regrets, I should’ve never left this shelf.

I should’ve just stayed in the dark,

And should’ve never allowed my real self to embark.

But its too late.

And time to serve my rightful fate.

To be alone and cold,

Never to smile, whilst being surrounded by gold.

But every now and then,

When my ice cold reality comes crashing in,

I ask myself,

What am I to you?

Standard
love, lust, lust and love, poem, poems, poetry, thoughts, wish

I wish…

I wish

You’d be mine.

And every night when I sleep so tight,

I dream of your lips so divine. 

I long for your pitch black eyes,

And like to pretend, in them, my future lies.

It all started off as a game,

And I used to think, that these games, would always go the same.

But with you, the predictable ending, never came.

And now I lie here, my heart is bleeding, why?

Because I feel, you’ll never want me to be a star in your little sky.

And I hope, that at least, I’m a shooting star.

A bright one, in the far. 

I wish

You’d long to hold me tight.

You’d long for me, to be your guiding light.

But Im not. 

Im not.

Im waiting for a sign,

But not sure if you’ve already drawn the line

Between love and lust.

Im stuck on one side,

And if I said, I didn’t want both, I would’ve lied.

I wish

We could be more.

More than the small waves that wash up seashells by the shore.

I want you to be my sea,

All I want is for you to stay with me. 

And laugh, and dance, and share everything about ourselves without a care.

But that won’t happen.

And as the dark night rises,

I hope, so will opportunity and surprises.

I hope Ill be a star in your sky,

And I hope one day, next to you Ill lie.

And it won’t be a far fetched dream.

I wish,

You’d be mine.

Standard
feelings, friendship, help the world, insanity, loosing, pain, past, poem, poems, poetry, world

Help the world be a little more okay.

I think I’m losing my mind.

Im officially going insane.

All I do, is cause others pain. 

I remember when I was just a child,

I was the one who always smiled.

And all I wanted, was the happiness of others.

All I wanted, was for everyone to forget their troubles.

And I remember, how I used to cry,

When someone I never knew, passed me with a black eye.

And I used to think and say,

“Im just a little girl, who will help the world, to be a little more okay.”

And look at what I am today.

Someone who can’t keep friends, because they always break away.

And look what I am a now.

My friends end up falling in love with me, but I don’t know how.

There are things in my past, that can’t let me love.

Love is something that has to quickly get disposed of,

In my little messed up world.

But it always ends in a way, 

That makes me want my friends to stay away.

And it somehow always happens,

They can not keep a balance.

They want more.

More than I can give them.

And then they are heartbroken. 

And I see them cry, and sob.

And the only way for them to stop,

Is to forget me.

So I end up becoming nothing.

Nothing but a far fetched memory of the dark past.

And the meaning of what I wanted to be, melts away.

Even though the only thing I wanted to be, was “just a little girl, who will help the world, to be a little more okay.”

Standard
end, faith, feelings, lies, life, love, love and hate, manipulate, messing up, mind, mistakes, mood, pain, poem, poems, poertry, poetry, pray, relationships, sad

never stay

I just thought that for once I had a friend who’d actually stay.

I guess I just hoped that you’d be the one, who’d never go away. 

It’s so hard for me to give away my trust,

But it always ends up getting lost in lust.

And he says its my fault, I was “leading him on,”

That he had to “fight jealousy until it was fucking gone. ”

I guess I just thought that this one time,

Our friendship would stay strong like a dime.

But I should’ve known, that it would only end bad.

That it would end exactly the same, like all the other friendships I ever had.

What am I doing wrong? I don’t get how,

Caring for a person and just being there, was leading him on and now,

He’s gone forever.

He thinks he’s so special, but he’s not.

With this one action, he has just become one of a lot.

And it makes me cry,

That no matter how hard I try,

It’s always wrong.

That even though I always tell them to beware in the very beginning,

They end up falling into that exact trap, and say I’m the one sinning.

I tell them as a friend,

All the horrible stories of what happens, when my heart is lend.

But they never listen.

I told you, in these exact words,

“I break hearts, and burn souls without knowing,

So don’t you ever love me, or you’ll be the next one going.”

Please don’t love me, please don’t love me.

I will hurt you and you’ll slowly die.

And yes that’s a reason why I constantly lie.

And you know I am heartless.

You know my feelings are barely to non existent.

But you also know that I deeply care for you.

And now you’ll just go away, for ever.

I guess it had to be now or never.

And you don’t believe me when I said I cared for you,

You just think I’m a steel, cold, hearted bitch.

That you wasted all your time on “nothing.”

And that’s when it hit me,

I was always nothing, always.

It’s just sad how every friend I ever get,

Can only define “everything” by abusing me and getting me into bed.

And that every friend I thought I made,

Will sooner or later disappear in the shade. 

And somehow, it’s always connected to me and how they fall in love.

Only because I was being, well, just me.

So now I’m all alone again, 

Maybe it should just stay that way.

Standard
coming out, gay is wrong, love, poem, poems, poetry

Love is Love.

A poem about a girl I once knew, and her struggles of love.

“Every night before I go to sleep,

There is this special love I seek.

But every night I also realise,

That for this special love, I will be criticised. 

And I don’t know how to feel,

People think I am joking about what is real.

They make jokes about love and how mine isn’t quite right,

But I deny it, and throw accusations into scene of this stary night. 

What if I were to tell them, that their jokes were real,

And that my accusations were all wrong, about how i feel.

All humans do love, so do you, so do I.

Why is it such a crime, to love another gender, to be be gay, straight or bi?

Isn’t it all the same?

And as I write these exact words, my hands are shaking.

And as I write these words, my hearts protective barrier, is slowly breaking.

And tears run down my eyes.

Why? Because I know once I tell the truth, I will be despised.

“Its WRONG. Its DISGUSTING. Its just a FAD.”

“But be yourself darling, don’t let the world make you mad.”

Well, I AM GOING MAD. 

Do you know how horrible it feels, to come home after a long day of pretending,

To love a guy, and that your love for him, is unending. 

To know that each guy you ever “loved,” you never did.

For if I were to follow my instincts, GOD WOULD FORBID!

And Ill just tell you the truth right here, right now.

I have never loved anyone I supposedly loved.

People wonder, why I throw my relationships away, without a care.

Simply, because I was confused of who I was, didn’t want to be bare.

I didn’t want to admit to myself, and want others to know,

That my “love” was just a show.

Kind of sad I suppose.

Im just caught in this tricky web called “society.”

I know people will call me names, and friends will be lost.

Because I followed my love. All will come at a cost. 

I always lie, lie, lie…

But people never notice, never asked why.

Well Ill tell you the truth now.

The whole, damn, truth.

I don’t love boys, I love girls. Accept it or not. “

Standard