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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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Dalliance

It was full moon, when my world fell away,

And just for a second,

We were the starburst of light amongst the darkening dusk.

The kiss was slow and soft,

Comforting.

The night was crisp,

I was tracing raindrops down your cars dusty windows,

Racing them against each other.

Unexpectedly, I felt your hand on my thigh.

Until now, it had all felt natural,

But your grip was so different, quite strong,

Rather mechanical.

Suddenly all warmth was gone, I felt cold,

Started to shiver.

You looked at me,

And I knew, this would never work out.

See through me,

See through my opague silk cover,

My evanescent eyes.

In my sickishly sweet presence,

Most crumble to dust.

I let the wind surreptitiously sweep them into nights soft darknesss,

And the hissing of the wind taking them away,

Sings me sweet lullaby tunes.

Ill enchant you to want my presence,

To touch my velvet skin,

But all I really need you to do,

Is for you to see through me,

And see beauty in my, initially, demure presence.

But you probably won’t.

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I want your love

How was he able to soften my heart of ice?

I thought I was just a floating carcass made of stone and lies…

But I knew from day one, when I got lost in his eyes,

That with him, my flesh will soften and feelings will rise.

You are the most beautiful of sunsets I have ever seen,

You’re my drug, my smile, my daily caffeine.

And I long for you to hold me tight, every day.

Im somehow not able to throw my thoughts away.

You’re always on my mind.

You’re everything I ever wanted to find.

And I want you to hold me in your arms,

And kiss my head like you did that one day,

You thought I was asleep, kissed my cheek,

And since that day, that moment has been on replay.

I love who you are, your heart, how you care.

How you get me, and how you’re always there.

But if he loves me, I don’t know.

Maybe Im going to fast and he wants to take it slow.

Or maybe he’s just scared? 

Maybe his heart is unprepared?

I have no clue.

All I know, and feel, is that I really want to be with you.

And Im hooked, you’re my drug, please don’t go away.

Please don’t let my freshly warmed soul slowly freeze and decay.

I want to feel your touch, and hear your voice.

I want to be your choice.

I want to give you everything I have, and make you smile,

Make every moment together worth while.

I want your love.

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Everything, that never was real.

Do you remember

Her graceful dances to Mozarts tunes on Sunday nights?

And how she led your hands up her thighs after dimming the lights?  

How she spoke in riddles, and playfully twisted her curls,

She was not like any of the other girls.

Do you remember

Her silky black hair flowing down your fingers like sweet water droplets?

Eyes as vibrant as her adventurous soul had always been to you,

And how your were inseperable like waterproof glue?

You loved how she blushed with just the right touch of shyness.

Do you remember? Do you?

Do you remember

(It was the 6th of December,)

How endearingly she smiled at you, but her eyes weren’t the same.

Her pearly teeth were showing, but her eyes, showed pain.

And how she walked away, taking small steps.

Do you remember? Do you?

Do you remember

Watching her stand outside on a Sunday night,

Watching snow fall in the suns fiery light?

Her gaze seemed lost in space, another dimension.

And no matter how hard you tried, you never got her attention.

Do you remember

How, when you put her to sleep,

She would quietly start to weep?

And her tears of pearls were beautiful and divine,

So you ran you fingers down her spine, “are you ok?”- “Its alright, Im fine.”

Do you remember? Of course you do.

Sundays with sweet mozart tunes, slowly slipped away.

And her tears soon faded altogether, with her happiness, day by day.

Her riddles started getting twisted in the dark,

And you stopped taking long walks by the park.

No more kisses on your forehead.

Nothing.

Do you remember

The scene when you came home?

She was naked, abused, and alone.

And blood was dripping from those once so vibrant eyes,

Down her spine.

Nothing about this was beautiful, nor divine.

Her elegant curves hung in harmony on a rope off the sky.

And you asked yourself,

“How could this once so happy creature, want to die?”

A little letter lay in spilled red;

“Im sorry, my love, forget me, I am now dead.

And its not your fault, you couldn’t know,

That my whole life, I was putting on a show.

So, my love, move on, move on. Let me disappear into red tinted snow.”

And its been 5 years, since that fateful day,

When your angel was taken away.

Life never went on, and everything is frozen in time.

Your love, was it really as strong as a dime?

You do remember, but do you want to?

Remember everything about you two, and what you went through?

Maybe its better to join her in the skies,

To be able to stare into her beautiful eyes…

To be able to hear her soothing voice and feel,

Everything, that never was real.

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The Dust of the Clouds

She’s crying tears of air, into dusty clouds.

And she’s wrapping pieces of herself, into bloody shrouds.

She thought for once, her smile might stay,

Hoped her happiness, would never go away.

But now again, the cycle ends, these things, they never stay.

She’s smiling, yes, the brightest of all, but is she really okay?

And she’s gullible, she knows she is, but now its become too much.

He’s only using her, for his own needs, for lust and sex and such.

And her ink, got spilled, and its dripping off the roof.

Now theres no way to catch it, from its bitter truth.

And her hands they tremble, her eyes, they cry,

About a love she never got, but she doesn’t understand why.

And he’s stabbing her, she’s nothing to him, she never ever was.

She danced the most beautiful of her dances, but never got applause.

She loved him like no other, got caught in his trap,

She knew he was trouble, was waiting for the string to snap.

And she’s laying on the floor, bare, and bleeds. 

“So this is where the path of love, I guess, leads.”

“This is what happens when for this one time,”

“I unveil my full self, what a crime.”

And no one is sweeping her red ink away,

None can help her, this red ink will leave its mark and always stay.

And as the dusty clouds slowly fade into the dark,

Her tears haven’t left one single mark.

The only one, who ever pained, was she.

And the only one who every drowned in the sea,

Was her. And her stains of blood will never leave.

And so will her anger, sadness, sorrow and grieve.

And now she’s truly alone.

She’s lost,

In the dust of the clouds.

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What Am I To You?

What am I to you?

I want to know.

Paint a picture with my blood, in freshly fallen snow.

What do you feel, when you see me smile?

Oh I so wonder, if to you, I was ever worth while.

Go on, this vibrant ink will soon run out!

At least this way, Ill know what you’re all about. 

And Im expecting a picture I wouldn’t want to see,

Which is you, in a world, separated from me.

And in that case my used up ink will be worth while,

My life will drown away, and so will my smile.

Oh how much I loved you, you’ll never know.

But I guess, you gotta learn to let these things go.

I know I was only an object to fulfil your lust,

So there is nothing else to be discussed.

Just leave me behind, let my blood sicker into the cold,

Its time for my coldest darkest corners to finally unfold. 

And now Im back to being, my cold hearted, old self.

Now its all regrets, I should’ve never left this shelf.

I should’ve just stayed in the dark,

And should’ve never allowed my real self to embark.

But its too late.

And time to serve my rightful fate.

To be alone and cold,

Never to smile, whilst being surrounded by gold.

But every now and then,

When my ice cold reality comes crashing in,

I ask myself,

What am I to you?

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I wish…

I wish

You’d be mine.

And every night when I sleep so tight,

I dream of your lips so divine. 

I long for your pitch black eyes,

And like to pretend, in them, my future lies.

It all started off as a game,

And I used to think, that these games, would always go the same.

But with you, the predictable ending, never came.

And now I lie here, my heart is bleeding, why?

Because I feel, you’ll never want me to be a star in your little sky.

And I hope, that at least, I’m a shooting star.

A bright one, in the far. 

I wish

You’d long to hold me tight.

You’d long for me, to be your guiding light.

But Im not. 

Im not.

Im waiting for a sign,

But not sure if you’ve already drawn the line

Between love and lust.

Im stuck on one side,

And if I said, I didn’t want both, I would’ve lied.

I wish

We could be more.

More than the small waves that wash up seashells by the shore.

I want you to be my sea,

All I want is for you to stay with me. 

And laugh, and dance, and share everything about ourselves without a care.

But that won’t happen.

And as the dark night rises,

I hope, so will opportunity and surprises.

I hope Ill be a star in your sky,

And I hope one day, next to you Ill lie.

And it won’t be a far fetched dream.

I wish,

You’d be mine.

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