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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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Dalliance

It was full moon, when my world fell away,

And just for a second,

We were the starburst of light amongst the darkening dusk.

The kiss was slow and soft,

Comforting.

The night was crisp,

I was tracing raindrops down your cars dusty windows,

Racing them against each other.

Unexpectedly, I felt your hand on my thigh.

Until now, it had all felt natural,

But your grip was so different, quite strong,

Rather mechanical.

Suddenly all warmth was gone, I felt cold,

Started to shiver.

You looked at me,

And I knew, this would never work out.

See through me,

See through my opague silk cover,

My evanescent eyes.

In my sickishly sweet presence,

Most crumble to dust.

I let the wind surreptitiously sweep them into nights soft darknesss,

And the hissing of the wind taking them away,

Sings me sweet lullaby tunes.

Ill enchant you to want my presence,

To touch my velvet skin,

But all I really need you to do,

Is for you to see through me,

And see beauty in my, initially, demure presence.

But you probably won’t.

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Everything, that never was real.

Do you remember

Her graceful dances to Mozarts tunes on Sunday nights?

And how she led your hands up her thighs after dimming the lights?  

How she spoke in riddles, and playfully twisted her curls,

She was not like any of the other girls.

Do you remember

Her silky black hair flowing down your fingers like sweet water droplets?

Eyes as vibrant as her adventurous soul had always been to you,

And how your were inseperable like waterproof glue?

You loved how she blushed with just the right touch of shyness.

Do you remember? Do you?

Do you remember

(It was the 6th of December,)

How endearingly she smiled at you, but her eyes weren’t the same.

Her pearly teeth were showing, but her eyes, showed pain.

And how she walked away, taking small steps.

Do you remember? Do you?

Do you remember

Watching her stand outside on a Sunday night,

Watching snow fall in the suns fiery light?

Her gaze seemed lost in space, another dimension.

And no matter how hard you tried, you never got her attention.

Do you remember

How, when you put her to sleep,

She would quietly start to weep?

And her tears of pearls were beautiful and divine,

So you ran you fingers down her spine, “are you ok?”- “Its alright, Im fine.”

Do you remember? Of course you do.

Sundays with sweet mozart tunes, slowly slipped away.

And her tears soon faded altogether, with her happiness, day by day.

Her riddles started getting twisted in the dark,

And you stopped taking long walks by the park.

No more kisses on your forehead.

Nothing.

Do you remember

The scene when you came home?

She was naked, abused, and alone.

And blood was dripping from those once so vibrant eyes,

Down her spine.

Nothing about this was beautiful, nor divine.

Her elegant curves hung in harmony on a rope off the sky.

And you asked yourself,

“How could this once so happy creature, want to die?”

A little letter lay in spilled red;

“Im sorry, my love, forget me, I am now dead.

And its not your fault, you couldn’t know,

That my whole life, I was putting on a show.

So, my love, move on, move on. Let me disappear into red tinted snow.”

And its been 5 years, since that fateful day,

When your angel was taken away.

Life never went on, and everything is frozen in time.

Your love, was it really as strong as a dime?

You do remember, but do you want to?

Remember everything about you two, and what you went through?

Maybe its better to join her in the skies,

To be able to stare into her beautiful eyes…

To be able to hear her soothing voice and feel,

Everything, that never was real.

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