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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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never stay

I just thought that for once I had a friend who’d actually stay.

I guess I just hoped that you’d be the one, who’d never go away. 

It’s so hard for me to give away my trust,

But it always ends up getting lost in lust.

And he says its my fault, I was “leading him on,”

That he had to “fight jealousy until it was fucking gone. ”

I guess I just thought that this one time,

Our friendship would stay strong like a dime.

But I should’ve known, that it would only end bad.

That it would end exactly the same, like all the other friendships I ever had.

What am I doing wrong? I don’t get how,

Caring for a person and just being there, was leading him on and now,

He’s gone forever.

He thinks he’s so special, but he’s not.

With this one action, he has just become one of a lot.

And it makes me cry,

That no matter how hard I try,

It’s always wrong.

That even though I always tell them to beware in the very beginning,

They end up falling into that exact trap, and say I’m the one sinning.

I tell them as a friend,

All the horrible stories of what happens, when my heart is lend.

But they never listen.

I told you, in these exact words,

“I break hearts, and burn souls without knowing,

So don’t you ever love me, or you’ll be the next one going.”

Please don’t love me, please don’t love me.

I will hurt you and you’ll slowly die.

And yes that’s a reason why I constantly lie.

And you know I am heartless.

You know my feelings are barely to non existent.

But you also know that I deeply care for you.

And now you’ll just go away, for ever.

I guess it had to be now or never.

And you don’t believe me when I said I cared for you,

You just think I’m a steel, cold, hearted bitch.

That you wasted all your time on “nothing.”

And that’s when it hit me,

I was always nothing, always.

It’s just sad how every friend I ever get,

Can only define “everything” by abusing me and getting me into bed.

And that every friend I thought I made,

Will sooner or later disappear in the shade. 

And somehow, it’s always connected to me and how they fall in love.

Only because I was being, well, just me.

So now I’m all alone again, 

Maybe it should just stay that way.

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Eyes of Lies

People always say,

“Eyes are a gateway,..”

“..a gateway into ones soul.”

But this is pure lies, not, if you have full control.

People see her eyes and tend to think,

That they can judge her by a single blink.

And they always say,

“What an adorable bubbly girl, she would never betray!”

But lies

are written In her eyes.

Her life is a single big lie,

And sometimes, all she wants to do is die.

She has barley any identity left,

Only the darkness of her past, that holds onto her brittle chest.

And whilst she’s plotting for a murder, driven by hate,

You will become her nightly fate.

You will fall for her smile, her love, her laugh, her eyes.

But exactly this mistake, will later on make you scream out in despise.

And by just the blink of an eye,

She will make you her next victim, and slowly make you die.

You would never have guessed she would turn out like this,

You thought you knew her by her eyes, the first kiss.

But the reality is that she doesn’t feel,

And in order to get sensation, she wants to destroy any love that seems real.

And by just the blink of an eye,

You fell for a big, dirty lie.

Eyes of Lies

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All I Am

All I am is an empty caracas of lies
An empty carcass filled with cloudy ice.
You are the only one who can see
Past the cloudiness, you see right through me.
We lay in cold sand,
You look at me, seem to understand.
Nights icy blankets of darkness are my friend
I fade in with the darkness, creating a harmonious blend.
Life returns to me,
With warm kisses down my spine
I feel, you are my only warmth, so sublime.
Melt my icy inner self,
Until there’s nothing left.
Set me free darling, let me go,
Let me be one with nights blankets, melt my icy heart of snow.
Set me free darling, kiss me, let me go.

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She is scared, for she suspects she doesn’t have a heart.

Yes she is blank towards love, hate, her loved one and her being apart.

People are nothing to her but blind puppets wondering around earth,

Trying to find someone that is worth.

She feels no one is.

She is frightened of her reaction to putting someone in pain,

Puts a smile to her face, she feels almost inhumane.

She knows she’s crazy, but to what extent is something crazy and not, psychotic?

She completely blocks all pain, love, she’s almost robotic.

Trying to understand her emotionless self.

Still, there is a little heart left at the bottom of her chest,

She feels it takes control every now and then, giving her hope, she isn’t completely possessed.

Her eyes have the power to influence people by just one stare, and so does her smile,

And she can bring happiness to people, every once in a while.

Even though her heart is small.

Confusion is her friend, confusion of being something she would hate to be.

She tries to get her heart back, but theres no guarantee.

She keeps on being numb to life and love.

Love being something that has to be used and quickly disposed off.

Events in the past are dwelling in her dreams when she goes to bed every night,

And for a long time they were something she used to fight.

But when her strength left and the past and present took over,

Her hearts liveliness disappeared and the heart beat became slower.

But there is hope with the little heart left, even though she might be


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Nothing, but an Act

She kisses with passion and smiles at him sweetly,

The way she talks to him, you would think she’s in love with him deeply.

But all that this is, is an act.

She might enjoy it in the moment, but its nothing more but a trap.

A sweet girl like her, hypnotises her victim, to then destroy it slowly from the inside.

When you see and talk to her normally though, it seems like she has nothing to hide.

Its only when you dig a little deeper, that you uncover,

That she doesn’t really care about her victim, even though she is his “lover.”

He is purely just a fix for her lust of life,

Which is why she slowly destroys her victim from the inside, with big sharp knifes.

And once her destruction is completed,

She goes on to hunt yet another victim, and her horrible act is repeated.

Her cold soul wanders the world to find the warmth she craves,

Only to send all her victims to their graves.

She works like a drug, she feeds off her victims inability to separate,

And once all their life is gone, its time to eliminate.

And her love is nothing but an act,



An Act.

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Pure bitter, Ice cold Heart

You talk to her and you feel,

This sudden warmth, you feel alive, real.

Eyes as glimmering green as emerald, shining in the morning sun,

Studying your lips, giving you that glimpse, it will stay in your mind forever, cant be undone.

You feel your heart melting like vanilla ice cream on the hottest of summer days,

You ask yourself how all that could happen by just her gaze?

You feel you’re the only one, the chosen. She has chosen you!

Oh darling, if only you knew.

If only you knew the things she’s got in her mind about you, you`d run.

But what would be the fun in you gone?

She’s playing with your heart, haven`t you noticed?

Its challenging, especially when you`re so focused

On her eyes, theres something magical about them, or is there?

They are slowly penetrating your chest, your heart is at its weakest now.

And all it took was a couple of seconds for her to get there… how?

She knows how to play this game,

For every victim its more or less, the same!

Make them feel loved and forget all the pain,

and weaken their hearts to their most vulnerable state.

In the beginnings they never notice, only little clues.

She smiles when you’re in pain, seems to be amused.

You touching her hand,

Its cold, like nighttime frozen sand.

You kiss and her eyes are open,

She wants your pain, wants to see you broken.

But she’s made you blind to all this, you are hooked and she is your drug.

You long for more and more, with every touch, kiss, even hug.

You want to run your fingers through her luscious hair,

Go through life with her without a care,

You want to be together, exist as two,

Let nothing ever separate you.

But just when you have been glued to her soul,

And you’re ever so close to reaching your goal,

And you stand  on a cliff, its beautiful.

The blue moon is shining and everything seems as usual.

You dont notice the drop, you’re so close now, she can almost taste it.

And darling you, still believe both you you will never split.

She looks at you one last time.

She seems so beautiful now, so sublime.

And all it takes is a small push.

For you to fall and rip your heart from hers.

It hurts, like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

But to her, it was nothing but a chore, as you hit the floor.

You cry yourself to sleep and seem to think that she is too,

You were in love with her, so mustn`t she be in love with you?

I hate to disappoint, but you’ve missed, that even though you thought her heart was made of gold,

Her heart is just pure, bitter, ice, cold.

And all it needs to live, is others pain.

And now you stand here alone, in the rain.

Too bad her feelings are gone and she doesn’t care,

And this chain reaction all started with just, one glare.

Her heart is made of ice.

And every new soul she catches, has to pay a price.

So congratulations, you’re one of them.

Your life-long pain

Will feed her bitter heart, as you are nothing to her, but her daily champagne.

If only you knew her heart wasn’t made out of gold,

But that it was pure bitter, ice cold.

You might have lived.