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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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Pretty Smiles Have a Lot To Hide

Usually she was the one who brought happiness to everyone,

She was the one who radiated more positive energy than the sun.

She was always the one with the prettiest smile,

However, deep inside, she had been empty for quite a while.

Actually, quite a lot more than empty.

But no one saw past her act of being overly friendly.

No one ever saw how her brittle heart was draining away slowly,

Like black tar, almost ghostly.

No one ever saw that she was battling monsters every day,

And emotions were something that she tried to hide and keep away.

Until one day, she couldn’t afford to get them back,

In her little world of grey and black.

So to get some sort of feeling,

She started concealing, by healing.

She would do anything to make anyone smile,

Until even that faded.

And her saviour came to catch her and bring her back into the sunshine,

He’d tell her he loved her, handled her like she was a dime.

He saw her rotting heart and freed her from darkness,

And focused only on her for a while, on her feelings, and fixing sadness.

He loved her like no one had ever done,

He loved her for who she was, knew her real smile, he knew, their journey had only just begun.

And for once she was truly happy and took off her mask.

There was no need to wear it anymore, no one ever asked.

For once, she was only the mirror reflecting the light, not handing it out to everyone.

And when one day finally her heart was renewed,

And all the broken pieces were glued,

She started handing out her sunshine again.

Only this time, it was real, not like it was back then.

Who would have guessed,

That this little spark in her darkness,

Would end up saving her ?

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Hate and Pain

Here I am, slipping back into oblivion.

Loosing myself,


Eyes fill with hatred,

My bones are weak, brittle, still I don’t feel


What if I revealed to you, my darling, my bloodthirsty thoughts?

Would you run away?

Or would you stupidly stay?

What if you could watch my mind?

You could watch yourself get murdered a thousand times,

In various creative ways.

You would have seen my smile as I stab your guts,

Over and over,

And as you would watch, you’d fail to keep your composure.

“Close your eyes baby, nothing will happen, I promise!”-I say

As you are chained to the dusty dark ground beneath me,

My promises are dirty little lies, I love to betray.

You have no clue what goes on inside of me now, sweetie.

You have no clue that any moment I could explode,

Beat you blue and black and slit your dirty little throat.

Oh you helpless creature!

As you lay here and paint my floor red,

You can be the student and listen, Ill be the teacher,

Ill tell you about all the times I have betrayed your trust.

Ill tell you about all the times, I have lost myself, in the endless seas of lust.

Listen closely, sweat heart!

Ill tell you about my deepest darkest secrets and future plans,

And you are not one of them, not by any chance.

Oh how I love red floors! Thank you my darling!

You are just charming!

My hate for you might slowly fade away,

But never completely, it will always stay.

Its too late now.

Im slowly suffocating in seas of hate and pain,

And I have made you my specimen.

So drown with me darling,

And as you slowly die,

The last thing you will see, is my betraying little smile.

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Nothing, but an Act

She kisses with passion and smiles at him sweetly,

The way she talks to him, you would think she’s in love with him deeply.

But all that this is, is an act.

She might enjoy it in the moment, but its nothing more but a trap.

A sweet girl like her, hypnotises her victim, to then destroy it slowly from the inside.

When you see and talk to her normally though, it seems like she has nothing to hide.

Its only when you dig a little deeper, that you uncover,

That she doesn’t really care about her victim, even though she is his “lover.”

He is purely just a fix for her lust of life,

Which is why she slowly destroys her victim from the inside, with big sharp knifes.

And once her destruction is completed,

She goes on to hunt yet another victim, and her horrible act is repeated.

Her cold soul wanders the world to find the warmth she craves,

Only to send all her victims to their graves.

She works like a drug, she feeds off her victims inability to separate,

And once all their life is gone, its time to eliminate.

And her love is nothing but an act,



An Act.

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Pure bitter, Ice cold Heart

You talk to her and you feel,

This sudden warmth, you feel alive, real.

Eyes as glimmering green as emerald, shining in the morning sun,

Studying your lips, giving you that glimpse, it will stay in your mind forever, cant be undone.

You feel your heart melting like vanilla ice cream on the hottest of summer days,

You ask yourself how all that could happen by just her gaze?

You feel you’re the only one, the chosen. She has chosen you!

Oh darling, if only you knew.

If only you knew the things she’s got in her mind about you, you`d run.

But what would be the fun in you gone?

She’s playing with your heart, haven`t you noticed?

Its challenging, especially when you`re so focused

On her eyes, theres something magical about them, or is there?

They are slowly penetrating your chest, your heart is at its weakest now.

And all it took was a couple of seconds for her to get there… how?

She knows how to play this game,

For every victim its more or less, the same!

Make them feel loved and forget all the pain,

and weaken their hearts to their most vulnerable state.

In the beginnings they never notice, only little clues.

She smiles when you’re in pain, seems to be amused.

You touching her hand,

Its cold, like nighttime frozen sand.

You kiss and her eyes are open,

She wants your pain, wants to see you broken.

But she’s made you blind to all this, you are hooked and she is your drug.

You long for more and more, with every touch, kiss, even hug.

You want to run your fingers through her luscious hair,

Go through life with her without a care,

You want to be together, exist as two,

Let nothing ever separate you.

But just when you have been glued to her soul,

And you’re ever so close to reaching your goal,

And you stand  on a cliff, its beautiful.

The blue moon is shining and everything seems as usual.

You dont notice the drop, you’re so close now, she can almost taste it.

And darling you, still believe both you you will never split.

She looks at you one last time.

She seems so beautiful now, so sublime.

And all it takes is a small push.

For you to fall and rip your heart from hers.

It hurts, like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

But to her, it was nothing but a chore, as you hit the floor.

You cry yourself to sleep and seem to think that she is too,

You were in love with her, so mustn`t she be in love with you?

I hate to disappoint, but you’ve missed, that even though you thought her heart was made of gold,

Her heart is just pure, bitter, ice, cold.

And all it needs to live, is others pain.

And now you stand here alone, in the rain.

Too bad her feelings are gone and she doesn’t care,

And this chain reaction all started with just, one glare.

Her heart is made of ice.

And every new soul she catches, has to pay a price.

So congratulations, you’re one of them.

Your life-long pain

Will feed her bitter heart, as you are nothing to her, but her daily champagne.

If only you knew her heart wasn’t made out of gold,

But that it was pure bitter, ice cold.

You might have lived.