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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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Things I love

People always complain,

About the things they hate, their remorse, their pain.

But don’t you see?

We always look past the simple things and their beauty.

So heres my personal list, of what I love:

-The feelings of making someone smile,

and making their day lived worthwhile.

-A fresh breeze of air on a hot summers day,

And how its chills travel down your spine, and then slowly disappear away.

-The way he looks at you when you speak with passion,

Or the way he holds you when tears run down your cheeks, in compassion.

-How the waves of the sea sparkle and shimmer during the sunset,

And how every sunset is different, and their beauty, you will never forget.

–  When a stranger smiles at you, and you smile too,

Which then turns into an interesting conversation about him and you.

-The way his breath on your ear, travels through your body down you spine,

And makes you feel every moment to be precious and divine.

And there is so much more,

So much I already appreciate, but also more that I will look for.

And every day brings with it another simple beauty,

You just gotta look for it.

And once you realise that beauty lays not only in money and complexity,

You will learn,

That you dont always have to expect something in return.

Because you got everything you need, right here, right now.

Start to enjoy the simplest moments,

Because those are the rarest.

Hold on to them.

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Wish come True

That was it!

She couldn’t belief it.

This was her wish come true,

This was the moment, she was pulled out of her world of grey and blue, and into the exiting new.

This was the moment after weeks of trying,

Weeks of denying.

Weeks of thinking, he would never make a move.

Weeks of thinking, he’ll be something she will loose.

Weeks of tears and a distant feeling,

That he wouldn’t see in her, what she saw in him, her heart was bleeding.

And she had almost come to terms with her fate,

When suddenly, in a moment of small hope, she decided it was never to late.

And now her world was as colourful as could be.

Her world was immensely changed from grey and blue, to the new things to explore for her and see.

Had she never had that glimpse of hope,

Had she never gone the risky path of the steeper slope.

She would be alone now, in her world of grey,

Cutting her own heart into pieces, and throwing them away.

But now this was it.

And she couldn’t believe it one bit.

She had reached the unreachable,


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“Let Me Take You Away!”

Spotting her is a mere child’s play,

She makes all the other flowers look black and grey.

Her face is pale, but her lips are rushing red,

She smiles like there is something she’s keeping from you, something remains unsaid.

Her eyes a soft washed out green, so beautiful, so divine,

Her silky hair effortlessly falls down her spine.

She smiled at me with just the right touch of blush and shyness, and used to say,

“Darling, hold my hands, let me take you away.”

“You look confused and alone, my dear.”

She used to whisper into my ear.

She knew from just a touch,

Who I was, and she didn’t judge.

She was the one who brought happiness to me,

I was blinded by something so effortlessly beautiful, she.

But once my smile had returned,

I held her hand once again, something wasn’t right, it burned.

“Darling, hold my hand, and take me away.”

“Darling please, I dont want to stay.”

Her mouth lie in a thin morbid line,

It looked so unnatural, like they were not used right, to their design.

“Take me away!” She said again, this time louder.

She dropped to the floor, like a dehydrated flower.

“Take me away…” She cried. “Take me away.”

“Forever, please, I dont want to stay”

Her cry had a rawness to it, like a freshly cut open wound.

I just stood there, utterly astound.

I took her cold hand, almost like ice, dead.

And I realised, her hands were red.

Her eyes were dripping flames ,

Everything clashed together, lives unspoken worries and pains.

I couldn’t believe that this girl, who had showed me life,

Would leave it, by just the cut of her little pocket knife.

And I still remember what she used to say,

“Hold my hand, let me take you away. “

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Mysterious Musical Mind

The best music comes from the most mysterious people

They are unpredictable, can be good or evil.

They may hide a lot, not talk as much,

You might think you know them, but its easy to misjudge.

Their brains are filled with colourful bundles of ideas that they can only communicate

Through their instruments, these are the times of passion, their brains goes crazy, they almost hallucinate.

They dont feel much in our grey world of repetition and boredom, nothing can stimulate their senses,

But that breathtaking tune on the violin, makes their hearts fill with joy, and the tunes become intensive.

We are musicians, there are no guidelines, nor good or bad,

And our tunes dont get lost with time and become a fad.

Our tunes can fill your heart to its maximum, bursting with joy,

Or suck out all your life, describe your situations without words, you cry, but you still enjoy.

We are musicians, we love what we do.

Because even though music cant be seen, nor touched, it still has the power to influence you.