breaking up, change, cheating, contrast, dangerous, falling in love, feeling, feelings, gloomy, happiness, happy, hate, heart, letting go, loosing love, love, love and hate, love story, lust and love, new, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, question, reflection, short stories, short story, story

Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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feelings, friendship, help the world, insanity, loosing, pain, past, poem, poems, poetry, world

Help the world be a little more okay.

I think I’m losing my mind.

Im officially going insane.

All I do, is cause others pain. 

I remember when I was just a child,

I was the one who always smiled.

And all I wanted, was the happiness of others.

All I wanted, was for everyone to forget their troubles.

And I remember, how I used to cry,

When someone I never knew, passed me with a black eye.

And I used to think and say,

“Im just a little girl, who will help the world, to be a little more okay.”

And look at what I am today.

Someone who can’t keep friends, because they always break away.

And look what I am a now.

My friends end up falling in love with me, but I don’t know how.

There are things in my past, that can’t let me love.

Love is something that has to quickly get disposed of,

In my little messed up world.

But it always ends in a way, 

That makes me want my friends to stay away.

And it somehow always happens,

They can not keep a balance.

They want more.

More than I can give them.

And then they are heartbroken. 

And I see them cry, and sob.

And the only way for them to stop,

Is to forget me.

So I end up becoming nothing.

Nothing but a far fetched memory of the dark past.

And the meaning of what I wanted to be, melts away.

Even though the only thing I wanted to be, was “just a little girl, who will help the world, to be a little more okay.”

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end, faith, feelings, lies, life, love, love and hate, manipulate, messing up, mind, mistakes, mood, pain, poem, poems, poertry, poetry, pray, relationships, sad

never stay

I just thought that for once I had a friend who’d actually stay.

I guess I just hoped that you’d be the one, who’d never go away. 

It’s so hard for me to give away my trust,

But it always ends up getting lost in lust.

And he says its my fault, I was “leading him on,”

That he had to “fight jealousy until it was fucking gone. ”

I guess I just thought that this one time,

Our friendship would stay strong like a dime.

But I should’ve known, that it would only end bad.

That it would end exactly the same, like all the other friendships I ever had.

What am I doing wrong? I don’t get how,

Caring for a person and just being there, was leading him on and now,

He’s gone forever.

He thinks he’s so special, but he’s not.

With this one action, he has just become one of a lot.

And it makes me cry,

That no matter how hard I try,

It’s always wrong.

That even though I always tell them to beware in the very beginning,

They end up falling into that exact trap, and say I’m the one sinning.

I tell them as a friend,

All the horrible stories of what happens, when my heart is lend.

But they never listen.

I told you, in these exact words,

“I break hearts, and burn souls without knowing,

So don’t you ever love me, or you’ll be the next one going.”

Please don’t love me, please don’t love me.

I will hurt you and you’ll slowly die.

And yes that’s a reason why I constantly lie.

And you know I am heartless.

You know my feelings are barely to non existent.

But you also know that I deeply care for you.

And now you’ll just go away, for ever.

I guess it had to be now or never.

And you don’t believe me when I said I cared for you,

You just think I’m a steel, cold, hearted bitch.

That you wasted all your time on “nothing.”

And that’s when it hit me,

I was always nothing, always.

It’s just sad how every friend I ever get,

Can only define “everything” by abusing me and getting me into bed.

And that every friend I thought I made,

Will sooner or later disappear in the shade. 

And somehow, it’s always connected to me and how they fall in love.

Only because I was being, well, just me.

So now I’m all alone again, 

Maybe it should just stay that way.

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blood, change, dramatic, end, family, feeling, feelings, letting go, love, motivational, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, problems

Let my Hand Go

Let my hand go,

Let me disappear into red tinted snow.

Can’t you see I have feelings too?

Can’t you understand I have to let you go, because I love you?

I know it’s harsh and hardly sane,

But this is how I deal with pain.

How am I ever going to find my guiding light,

If you keep me hidden away at night? 

Please don’t cry, please don’t cry,

I know it’s hard to break the bond of you and I.

it was always us two, 

You know me, and I know you.

Two cold hearts unite to an uncomprehendable to most friendship,

We never cried, until this whole story took a flip.

And now we have no choice but to be teared apart,

And we wish we could play our story from the start.

But don’t you realize we have to move on?

The world keeps spinning, and our hearts will stay as one.

And every night before you go to sleep, 

Look at the moon, and sky’s stars so deep.

Remember my tunes in your times of sadness, 

Or forget me if it can cure your madness.

Just what matters the most to me,

Is your happiness, don’t you see?

So after you let go of my hand,

Wherever you gotta go, whatever you gotta do,

Just remember that I’ll always be in your heart, and I’ll always love you. 

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dark, Death, feelings, goomy, life, mood, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, sad, scary

When my day comes

When my day comes,
The day that all left of me will be my souls crumbs ,
And my color fades away,
I have one request, if I may.
Don’t lock me in a box and burry me deep under.
Why? You might wonder.
Well, Reaching the end of my days,
I will sink into darkness, say goodbye to my life lived in color and craze.
So Don’t just burry me in the ground.
It’s so dark and cold down there, nothing beautiful to be found.
Ill just be another set of rusty bones locked away
From society to forget, not to remember, my memory will get lost, no one will pray.
A long lost soul caught in a box beneath the ground,
This scares me, I’ll be locked in the darkness never to be thought of, or found.
I know one day all my memories will fade and I’ve come to terms with that,
But to be buried in cold soil of sorrow will make my soul crave light, want to come out of the colorless matte.
Instead sprinkle me on forests of green,
So I can feel lights beam.
Sprinkle some in the waters of the ocean,
So I can be one with waves emotion.
Let my colors fly free,
I might be gone on earth, but my colors will be able to fly free spiritually.
Just don’t lock me in the dark,
Don’t do that to me,
Leave my soul the Beauty of this world, let it flow free.

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feeling, feelings, love, new, poem, poems, poetry, valentines day

New Feeling

This is a feeling Ive never had before,

Before you, love was only driven by my lust, nothing but a bland chore.

I used to sing my song to enchant my victims quick,

And make them my peasants of lust, by just a finger click.

But suddenly now my world is more vibrant,

Everything is so clear,  now you’re my world, my sacred diamond.

You aren’t a heavy chore,

I dont feel like using you for lust, then throwing you away like all others before.

You’re the light in my darkness that I need,

And without this light my world will become dull and red, my heart will bleed.

I have no clue what made me feel like this,

Maybe it was that first touch of our hands, or maybe it was that first kiss.

You’re always there, in my mind,

I think this feeling’s called “love,” I think its making me blind.

I know that this will sooner or later end,

And you won’t be able to stay my lover, or even friend.

I know I will cry for hours and hours, days, and weeks,

And as time goes on my mood will reach its depressive peaks.

But Im too blind to see,

The bad, I only know I’m in love with you, and hope you’re in love with me.

The time right now is too beautiful to waste,

So lets just enjoy its bitter sweet taste.

This is a feeling Ive never had before,

I think its love.

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