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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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blood, breaking up, feeling, loosing love, love, pain, poem, poems, poetry

The Dust of the Clouds

She’s crying tears of air, into dusty clouds.

And she’s wrapping pieces of herself, into bloody shrouds.

She thought for once, her smile might stay,

Hoped her happiness, would never go away.

But now again, the cycle ends, these things, they never stay.

She’s smiling, yes, the brightest of all, but is she really okay?

And she’s gullible, she knows she is, but now its become too much.

He’s only using her, for his own needs, for lust and sex and such.

And her ink, got spilled, and its dripping off the roof.

Now theres no way to catch it, from its bitter truth.

And her hands they tremble, her eyes, they cry,

About a love she never got, but she doesn’t understand why.

And he’s stabbing her, she’s nothing to him, she never ever was.

She danced the most beautiful of her dances, but never got applause.

She loved him like no other, got caught in his trap,

She knew he was trouble, was waiting for the string to snap.

And she’s laying on the floor, bare, and bleeds. 

“So this is where the path of love, I guess, leads.”

“This is what happens when for this one time,”

“I unveil my full self, what a crime.”

And no one is sweeping her red ink away,

None can help her, this red ink will leave its mark and always stay.

And as the dusty clouds slowly fade into the dark,

Her tears haven’t left one single mark.

The only one, who ever pained, was she.

And the only one who every drowned in the sea,

Was her. And her stains of blood will never leave.

And so will her anger, sadness, sorrow and grieve.

And now she’s truly alone.

She’s lost,

In the dust of the clouds.

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Let my Hand Go

Let my hand go,

Let me disappear into red tinted snow.

Can’t you see I have feelings too?

Can’t you understand I have to let you go, because I love you?

I know it’s harsh and hardly sane,

But this is how I deal with pain.

How am I ever going to find my guiding light,

If you keep me hidden away at night? 

Please don’t cry, please don’t cry,

I know it’s hard to break the bond of you and I.

it was always us two, 

You know me, and I know you.

Two cold hearts unite to an uncomprehendable to most friendship,

We never cried, until this whole story took a flip.

And now we have no choice but to be teared apart,

And we wish we could play our story from the start.

But don’t you realize we have to move on?

The world keeps spinning, and our hearts will stay as one.

And every night before you go to sleep, 

Look at the moon, and sky’s stars so deep.

Remember my tunes in your times of sadness, 

Or forget me if it can cure your madness.

Just what matters the most to me,

Is your happiness, don’t you see?

So after you let go of my hand,

Wherever you gotta go, whatever you gotta do,

Just remember that I’ll always be in your heart, and I’ll always love you. 

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alone, blood, faith, feeling, help, life, poem, poems, poetry, pray, problems, religion

Her Faith

Why is it that only when she begins to see the blood of her stab wound,

She begins to cry?

Why is it, that only when she starts to comprehend and assemble all puzzles pieces together,

She wants to leave us and wave forever goodbye?

Why is it that only when lives pretty flowers start to rot away and decay,

That she begins to pray?

“If there is a god” -she cries

“Help me! What should I do?” -She mutters into starry skies.

It is only now she realises, she is alone.

She realises she is empty, through her flesh to her inner, deepest bone.

Her shiny armour can’t protect her anymore,

Now she lays bare on the cold floor.

“If you do exist”- she whimpers.

“Please forgive me for what Ive done, I was too enchanted to resist!”

“Please forgive me and heal my sin away,

For I am not ready for this punishment, Im helpless, so now I pray.”

“And if you do exist, I am sorry that for every time we do speak,

I am at my lowest, rock bottom, I have sinned bad and I am weak.”

“But its at times like this when I need you the most.

Its at times like this, where only you can help, everyone else I trusted just disappeared, like ghosts.”

“And its only now that I realise, I am alone,

I am empty, through my flesh to my inner deepest bone.”

“And my only company is my biggest fear.

Fix my sins dear God, please. Wipe away my tear.”

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All I Am

All I am is an empty caracas of lies
An empty carcass filled with cloudy ice.
You are the only one who can see
Past the cloudiness, you see right through me.
We lay in cold sand,
You look at me, seem to understand.
Nights icy blankets of darkness are my friend
I fade in with the darkness, creating a harmonious blend.
Life returns to me,
With warm kisses down my spine
I feel, you are my only warmth, so sublime.
Melt my icy inner self,
Until there’s nothing left.
Set me free darling, let me go,
Let me be one with nights blankets, melt my icy heart of snow.
Set me free darling, kiss me, let me go.

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New Feeling

This is a feeling Ive never had before,

Before you, love was only driven by my lust, nothing but a bland chore.

I used to sing my song to enchant my victims quick,

And make them my peasants of lust, by just a finger click.

But suddenly now my world is more vibrant,

Everything is so clear,  now you’re my world, my sacred diamond.

You aren’t a heavy chore,

I dont feel like using you for lust, then throwing you away like all others before.

You’re the light in my darkness that I need,

And without this light my world will become dull and red, my heart will bleed.

I have no clue what made me feel like this,

Maybe it was that first touch of our hands, or maybe it was that first kiss.

You’re always there, in my mind,

I think this feeling’s called “love,” I think its making me blind.

I know that this will sooner or later end,

And you won’t be able to stay my lover, or even friend.

I know I will cry for hours and hours, days, and weeks,

And as time goes on my mood will reach its depressive peaks.

But Im too blind to see,

The bad, I only know I’m in love with you, and hope you’re in love with me.

The time right now is too beautiful to waste,

So lets just enjoy its bitter sweet taste.

This is a feeling Ive never had before,

I think its love.

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