breaking up, change, cheating, contrast, dangerous, falling in love, feeling, feelings, gloomy, happiness, happy, hate, heart, letting go, loosing love, love, love and hate, love story, lust and love, new, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, question, reflection, short stories, short story, story

Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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blood, dangerous, dark, manipulate, poem, poems, poetry

Sneaky Smiles

She had that smile that would make you feel,
Absolutely Complete, melt even the coldest hearts of steel,
And she would have those certain looks
That you’d only read about in story books.
She would take your hand and walk through life,
And you fool never noticed behind her back, she was hiding a knife, 
You were too hypnotized by flawless moments,
Too taken to realize, she would soon be your opponent.
She would soon strike,
And if she’d have mercy, she’d make it fast, avoid the fight.
But don’t you worry dear,
As long as your mind is cloudy and you’re thinking isn’t clear,
She will spare your life and if you’re lucky she’ll disappear,
Leaving behind, he usual stab wounds and you’d be able to track
Her tracks of blood all from the knifes blood she was hiding behind her back.
And as your inner colors would slowly drain away,
You’d notice, that you were only her prey.
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actor, cold hearted, contrast, dangerous, dark, depression, fake, gloomy, happy, heart, love, poem, poems, poetry, short story, story, suicide

“Let Me Take You Away!”

Spotting her is a mere child’s play,

She makes all the other flowers look black and grey.

Her face is pale, but her lips are rushing red,

She smiles like there is something she’s keeping from you, something remains unsaid.

Her eyes a soft washed out green, so beautiful, so divine,

Her silky hair effortlessly falls down her spine.

She smiled at me with just the right touch of blush and shyness, and used to say,

“Darling, hold my hands, let me take you away.”

“You look confused and alone, my dear.”

She used to whisper into my ear.

She knew from just a touch,

Who I was, and she didn’t judge.

She was the one who brought happiness to me,

I was blinded by something so effortlessly beautiful, she.

But once my smile had returned,

I held her hand once again, something wasn’t right, it burned.

“Darling, hold my hand, and take me away.”

“Darling please, I dont want to stay.”

Her mouth lie in a thin morbid line,

It looked so unnatural, like they were not used right, to their design.

“Take me away!” She said again, this time louder.

She dropped to the floor, like a dehydrated flower.

“Take me away…” She cried. “Take me away.”

“Forever, please, I dont want to stay”

Her cry had a rawness to it, like a freshly cut open wound.

I just stood there, utterly astound.

I took her cold hand, almost like ice, dead.

And I realised, her hands were red.

Her eyes were dripping flames ,

Everything clashed together, lives unspoken worries and pains.

I couldn’t believe that this girl, who had showed me life,

Would leave it, by just the cut of her little pocket knife.

And I still remember what she used to say,

“Hold my hand, let me take you away. “

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change, cold hearted, dangerous, dark, goomy, mood, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative

No one can read me, not even you.

No one can read me, not even you.

No one can see me, so whatever you see, you should think through.

My eyes are blank and my heart is cold, they say.

And feelings are nothing but the mixture of colours on the floor in fall, all swept away.

You might not know, but whilst Im smiling, Im dying inside.

You might not notice, but when I tell you Im fine, that is just another night I cried.

You dont know my past, I dont expect you to.

No one knows my past, no one, not even you.

You dont know me, I know you dont.

You dont know me, you can try to find out, but I cant let you, I wont.

How can you act the way you do, when Im supposed to be the one in distress?

How can you throw me away and believe I dont notice?

Ive been thrown away before, and with every time, I get more numb.

And now look at me, look at what Ive become.

Ive become someone no one knows, not even you.

So whatever you do to me, you should think through.

You may know my passions in life, but my not my past,

Which still dwells over me, its been some time, but time runs fast.

My skin burns everyday,

But since no one knows, you still treat me like trash, I pay.

Stop please, just stop. I cry under water to make it seem like its nothing.

The tears mix with the salt water, but dont you see Im drowning?

Im locked in a prison cell, bound down with ice cold chains.

Stop please, just stop. My mask will fall off from the tears.

And I will have to face my biggest fears.

Give me a hug, I need it now.

Force me if I refuse. Even if I dont allow.

Give my little heart some warmth, I need it.

You dont know me, but you can try,

To give me a smile, and make the bad fly.

No one can read me, not even you.

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dangerous, love, poem, poems, poetry

Dangerous Love

Oh Darling, how I am sorry,

I really am,

For you are my next victim.

You might not be saying it, yet.

But I can see it in your eyes.

Oh darling, how I am sorry,

For you are my next victim.

Im just a drug to influence your mind,

And by just one stare can make you blind.

Oh darling you, just like many others have fallen into my trap,

Covered in a golden, enchanting wrap.

Oh darling, how I am sorry,

For I know your heart is vulnerable,

I really do.

But darling let me tell you,

That this drug will only be a short lived high,

And I will disappear into night without goodbye.

Oh darling, how I am sorry,

For I know your humble heart

Shall break into a thousand pieces, like a horrible work of art.

Oh darling, how I am sorry,

For the tears you will cry,

Like raindrops shed from the sky.

For I know my drugs after effects will be long lasting

And I will stay in your mind and you’ll find yourself grasping.

Oh darling how I am sorry,

For you are my next victim.

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