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Reflection: Too afraid to love fully, is it worth it?

Turn back the time to when I was oblivious to what love really was. Today I realize, I was just too afraid to let it enclose me completely in its impending presence. Letting your guard down isn’t easy when you’re too afraid to be half loved, too afraid, because you know what outcome to expect. The bitter break up, the talk, that would overcast any flames it might have sparked in a dark gloom. Too afraid, because watching others completely taken over by love only sent me panic-stricken warning signs. Losing all control, all internal barriers broken, susceptible to the most gruesome pains this world could offer; heartbreak.

Today I realize, it was not my tough front I used to superficially deal with lovers that ruined all, but the fact that it was both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Deep inside I always knew I would never be able to deal with heartbreak. Once I fully love someone, it is arduous for me to reverse this. It would take me a small eternity to get over losing someone I so very deeply cared for. That is why I simply avoided it, and dealt with love as what it symbolized to me; agony.

But fast forward numerous years, I have come to realize I don’t want to pursue this superficial life anymore. Im sick of pretending to love, pushing away anyone getting too close into the depths of the night. Im sick of not experiencing all life has to offer. It took me a while to find myself. To love myself first, and to be comfortable with being myself. No more barriers, no more lying, this is who I am, and whoever loves me for that, deserves only the best of me.

It just so happens, that someone worth me, crossed my path months ago when I didn’t even realize. And just when I thought it was too late to get him, it wasn’t. He was still there, waiting for me as I blindly danced my way through various lovers, wondering why they didn’t care, when I didn’t either. But there he was, standing patiently. I gave him a chance. He deserves me, I thought. I deserve the best. Why not try to be thoroughly myself this time?

It was one of the most chilling and fear driven decisions I had ever made in my entire life. But now, life could not be better. Its beautiful to find a soul that cares and understands you deeply. It brightens up my day to have someone to laugh with, and just be myself around without pretending. I started trying to fix things, instead of leaving them broken. I started talking through issues, instead of ignoring them, and I went slow with a gradual incline. And even if I would be able to turn back the time, I would not have told myself this.

It takes time to learn these things, and some just take longer than others to take the step to be completely vulnerable to this big dangerous world. It takes great deal of courage. All this time Ive been feeling something missing in me, something that was the source of much of my sadness. But today I realize its not love, or any guy that changed this for me, it was just me realizing that I was simply afraid, it was all the source of my internal madness.

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blood, change, dramatic, end, family, feeling, feelings, letting go, love, motivational, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative, problems

Let my Hand Go

Let my hand go,

Let me disappear into red tinted snow.

Can’t you see I have feelings too?

Can’t you understand I have to let you go, because I love you?

I know it’s harsh and hardly sane,

But this is how I deal with pain.

How am I ever going to find my guiding light,

If you keep me hidden away at night? 

Please don’t cry, please don’t cry,

I know it’s hard to break the bond of you and I.

it was always us two, 

You know me, and I know you.

Two cold hearts unite to an uncomprehendable to most friendship,

We never cried, until this whole story took a flip.

And now we have no choice but to be teared apart,

And we wish we could play our story from the start.

But don’t you realize we have to move on?

The world keeps spinning, and our hearts will stay as one.

And every night before you go to sleep, 

Look at the moon, and sky’s stars so deep.

Remember my tunes in your times of sadness, 

Or forget me if it can cure your madness.

Just what matters the most to me,

Is your happiness, don’t you see?

So after you let go of my hand,

Wherever you gotta go, whatever you gotta do,

Just remember that I’ll always be in your heart, and I’ll always love you. 

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change, cold hearted, dangerous, dark, goomy, mood, poem, poems, poetry, positive vs negative

No one can read me, not even you.

No one can read me, not even you.

No one can see me, so whatever you see, you should think through.

My eyes are blank and my heart is cold, they say.

And feelings are nothing but the mixture of colours on the floor in fall, all swept away.

You might not know, but whilst Im smiling, Im dying inside.

You might not notice, but when I tell you Im fine, that is just another night I cried.

You dont know my past, I dont expect you to.

No one knows my past, no one, not even you.

You dont know me, I know you dont.

You dont know me, you can try to find out, but I cant let you, I wont.

How can you act the way you do, when Im supposed to be the one in distress?

How can you throw me away and believe I dont notice?

Ive been thrown away before, and with every time, I get more numb.

And now look at me, look at what Ive become.

Ive become someone no one knows, not even you.

So whatever you do to me, you should think through.

You may know my passions in life, but my not my past,

Which still dwells over me, its been some time, but time runs fast.

My skin burns everyday,

But since no one knows, you still treat me like trash, I pay.

Stop please, just stop. I cry under water to make it seem like its nothing.

The tears mix with the salt water, but dont you see Im drowning?

Im locked in a prison cell, bound down with ice cold chains.

Stop please, just stop. My mask will fall off from the tears.

And I will have to face my biggest fears.

Give me a hug, I need it now.

Force me if I refuse. Even if I dont allow.

Give my little heart some warmth, I need it.

You dont know me, but you can try,

To give me a smile, and make the bad fly.

No one can read me, not even you.

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change, cold hearted, dark, goomy, poem, poems, poetry

Changed

You told me I changed.

Its something about me, my hair, maybe one has been rearranged?

You say my light is slowly dripping away and my smile is gone.

That I look like I wear a mask everyday, its just a show I put on.

When I hear these things, it feels like a dagger slowly being forced into my guts,

Leaving me behind with huge cuts.

I tell you “I havent changed, dont you see?”

“I am still the same, happy little girl Ive always tried to be!”

 But when you tell me everyday that everything is my fault,

With every new time, my world stops turning and comes to a hault.

I do smile, but its at times that I am away from you.

You are totally ignorant towards my feelings, oh if only you knew.

If only you knew how many nights I have cried over how you treat me,

You might even understand my acting towards you, and agree.

But you dont, you are just as cold as I can be sometimes, we are very much the same.

We both hide our troubles, and never show signs of pain.

But you still expect me to hold all the troubles you can’t bear,

You dump them on me like trash, you don’t even care.

What if I told you I can’t hold this load, that its slowly making me die?

What if I told you, that because of you, I have broken our trust, now its all a big lie?

At least you’ve noticed I changed but you haven’t noticed the source of my sadness.

You haven’t spotted the source of my infinite madness.

If only you knew, 

That the only source of my madness, is, you.

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