poetry

Guilt

Im drowning in guilt and I don’t even know why

It was late at night, I was drunk, we were dancing.

She threw herself on me and wouldn’t let go,

She kissed me, but in my drunkenness, I wasn’t able to get her off right away.

After the initial realization,

I pushed her off.

I didn’t want anything with her anymore.

What had I done?

I love only him, not her.

I don’t even care about her.

I pushed her away, I told her I didn’t want this.

The rest of my night was not enjoyable.

I was battling with the horrible thought of you leaving me forever,

For something I didnt want.

I woke up the next morning,

And months later I still feel shame,

I just cant shake the feeling,

That Im the worst person in the world,

And that if you found out,

You would just drop me and forget me.

You would never trust me again.

Even though it was out of my control.

But how you would react I don’t know.

Maybe you would scream at me, and I would never go out again.

Maybe you would just tell me to fuck off.

But I didn’t want this, I pushed her off.

I knew I only wanted you.

But still, this combination of never telling you

And my general anxious driven state,

Are making this whole thing unbearable.

So if Ill end up telling you I will never know.

I just hope if I do, you won’t just tell me to go fuck myself, stand up, and go.

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