poetry

Pure Tears

Last night I cried

The purest tears my eyes ever bled.

No, not because I was sad,

But because you are so good to me.

You treat me like silk in the hands of the weaver,

Every move counts, and you know that.

Yesterday I realized

That all you want,

Is for me to be happy.

That

Is the most important thing to you.

So selfless, so pure, so

New.

When you came to surprise me with flowers and told me

That all you want, is for us to work out,

Because you deeply care for me,

It was almost too much for me to bear.

I cried when you said that, because

All I’ve known all along was to be abused and broken,

Left to die in a corner, alone,

Absorbing all the horrible words they had ever spoken.

But then you came along,

And it just feels so good,

SO good,

To have someone, who cares so very deeply.

That is why I cried.

And I still cant believe, how lucky I am,

To have you in my life.

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poetry

“It”

Its been following me all my life,

And still, it mystifies me, what it actually is.

It comes in black and white, all at once, but never in between.

I watch as it engulfs my thoughts,

Taking tentative steps,

The infinite exposure of the human flesh dared.

Overtime I can’t help but think,

How in the midst of oblivion, anything seems possible.

I am afraid, but it drives me,

Mad.

I can’t escape, I can’t escape what I am.

So black, so inky, and complete,

That every time it come close, it swallowed any scouting rays.

It usually stays with me for a long time.

Ill try find company in it,

Ill try think of it, as sublime.

But in reality, Im going insane.

I can’t bear to be around myself,

Yet still, I want to be alone.

And just when Im about to give up,

It comes back in its overturned presence.

The sun rises quickly,

Casting all of its rays only on me.

The world is crisp, I can feel everything again,

Anything is possible.

It feels like a cloudless spring day,

With blue skies,

It isn’t warm or cold, its perfect, and delicate flowers bloom everywhere.

A smile decorates my face eternally, or so I think.

Again, this other side it shows me, will stay for a while.

Ill enjoy it whilst it lasts,

Forgetting all my problems,

Letting them be absorbed by my overwhelmed self.

I know this won’t last,

So I use it to its full potential.

But its too much. This isn’t just being happy,

This is a drug. I do stupid things, that otherwise, I probably wouldnt.

I completely forget any struggles,

Until,

It turns sides again.

Now the dark is back.

And its constant presence drives me into a state of depression.

I start realizing all mistakes I made,

But its too late to solve them.

I dont want to love,

I dont even love myself.

All I want to do,

Is to be alone with my horrible self,

Writing down my daily nemesis into my little notebook.

Thats how its always been,

And it doesn’t look like it’ll change.

This life lived only on the edge of the extreme,

Its wearing me out,

Its making me sick.

Its making me physically weak.

I am hopeless, but I don’t understand why.

Ive been making my own realities,

I want so hard to feel, to laugh or cry,

but I can’t.

I am an empty carcass of lies,

Manipulating others for my own good.

Trapped in deep oblivion.

Help me,

For I cant stand this presence of it much longer.

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poetry

“Welcome to my World!”

Let me introduce you to my world,

Its a far cry from what you’re used to,

With gruesome wonders beyond your comprehension.

You might awaken into an astronomical day,

Only to find yourself freezing, icy and bitter in the evening.

The ever present cold is your daily nemesis.

Continually, you’ll wake up to something, that looks like a sunlit day of late spring, beautiful.

The sky is beaming a soft blue glow.

But you cant feel the suns rays stroking your face.

This beautiful set up is, but a soulless endeavor.

All people smile, but to a degree thats off-putting.

And when you run in the winter snow at night, no footsteps are ever left behind.

Nothing you do makes a change, and when you try to talk your words sound muffled and strange.

Your words end up hovering in your mind, strenuously trying to break afree.

It doesn’t take long for you to go mad,

It wont take long for you to feel like me.

Let me introduce you to my world,

Where my body is my cage.

My heart throbs in my throat eternally,

Awaiting only the most gruesome my world has to offer at this stage.

Welcome to my world,

You may leave now, before the crazy gets to you,

But hurry, or you mightn’t be able to ever escape,

You’ll be stuck,

Like me.

And trust me, thats the last thing you want.

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poetry

I wished you knew…

When you told me I was “distant” it made me think whether I should tell you, just how much I love you, but its hard for me to show. I wished I could tell you how important you really are to me, but its so hard for me to make that move. I wished you knew the truth of my struggles, how some nights when I don’t want to talk, Im crying myself to sleep in sheer despair. Im fighting inner demons, that come to haunt me from the past. Demons that I wish would have left me years back. But they never quite did. I wished you knew how hard it is for me to trust people, and how hard Ive been trying with you to make it work. Every otherwise “normal step” has taken me so much strain and energy, so much trust and overcoming of my inner fears. I wished I could tell you, but you would misunderstand, that sometimes when you touch me, Im holding back tears. It burns, but I let you, because I know you’d only want the best for me, you’d do anything for me. But its so hard for me to let go. I can’t bring myself to tell you how he used to kill me everyday, holding me down against my will until I cried. How every night he would beat me black and blue and how I lost my innocence to something that has been so hard for me to even accept to myself. I wished you knew just how hard Ive been trying with you,

but you don’t.

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