poetry

Conquering the Waves

Ever since I can remember, Ive been battling with waves,

Waves that would crush me unexpectedly under their immense weight,

Little harmless droplets uniting into one big mass,

And swallow me whole,

Into a fluid, dark world of lies that would try its best to absorb me.

This world would whisper me things,

Saying;

That Im not worth it,

That I should hate myself,

That I should stop trying,

And made me tremble in immense fear.

They tried to drown me,

And as my lungs slowly filled up with water,

I started to believe them.

My life had moments of agony and pain,

That I suffered in silence.

No-one would hear me,

And when I tried to scream, I would just drown faster,

Feel the burning pain of every droplet filling my lungs.

It was a silent way of dying, not the type you read in stories,

But it hurt, and left scars.

No-one ever noticed, but me.

But today is the day, that I decided that Ive had enough.

Ive had enough of eternal suffering,

Pretending to be someone Im not,

Ive had enough of nights floating like a carcass beneath their surface.

Because Ive realized, Im so much more, no matter what they tell me.

Im capable of so much more than dwelling in pain and suffering.

No matter what others try to make me believe, no matter what thoughts dwell beneath those waves,

I will no longer listen to them.

I am my own person.

I am who I want to be, and I will openly show it.

Everyone can watch, there is no shame in being imperfect,

And as imperfect as I am, I love who I am.

It took me years just to realize just that.

I am worth it.

And Ive learned to surf the waves that once crushed me.

I now feel pure freedom as the wind blows against my skin,

And Im in absolute control of the waves,

Im in absolute control of my own destiny,

And Im at peace with myself and who I am.

It feels liberating to finally be breathing and who Ive always wanted to be,

Im imperfect, but thats okay, Im just me, and Im okay with that.

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poetry

bad thoughts

i hate how i look

how i talk

how i act

i wish i would be less like myself.

i wish i would try harder

and be the best i can be

but I’m not.

I’m the worst i can be

i hate my smile, my teeth,

I’m too fat,

i wish i could be more like her.

i wish my music would be more vibrant and colorful,

i wish i knew more

but i dont

i know nothing

i can’t even bring myself to do the simplest of tasks

i hate my body

i hate my habits

i hate my writing,

i wish i was a better writer

and i wish others would understand me

i wish someone would love me

but how could anyone love this.

most of all

i wish i would love myself a little more

but i dont,

at all,

nothing-at-all.

but i need to be strong,

for I’m the only one keeping us together,

and ill act confident and make them love themselves,

giving all i have left to them,

to see them happy,

this is my only source of strength

but if i were to say these things to myself

i would never believe them

because i know they’re only sweet talk

and i dont believe in that

i believe in reality

and right now i am nothing to be proud of.

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