poetry

Who I think you are …

I know you, but not all of you.

I know what makes you happy, sad, angry, mad,

And what triggers you.

But its not enough for me.

People tend to stop when they’ve reached maximum superficial knowledge over someone.

But even if you had told me the story of your life

A thousand times

I would still not be satisfied.

Nobody ever truly knows themselves and what they are capable of,

So its impossible for anyone else to know you for who you are,

Who you are becoming, and what you are capable of.

This might be in the positive sense of the word, but could also be vice versa.

I would have almost forgotten about this mentality Ive always had,

If it wasn’t for how you acted the other day.

You looked so grey, and as I tried to search for a hint of emotion within you,

I found nothing.

I found no love,

I found no happiness,

I found no anger.

All I saw was emptiness and an odd hint of self assurance.

And that night I was scared.

There was no passion,

It was so loveless.

But when I looked into your eyes, you didn’t seem to care.

It was just a rough act, and that was it.

And that scared me,

Because I thought I knew you, your type.

Always so loving and caring.

But that one day, one night,

Made me completely unsure.

And who you really are, or who you could turn out to be

Honestly petrifies me.

Standard
poetry

Madly in love 

I wish I could show you how immensely much you mean to me.

I wish I could fully express just the mere scale of madness I’ve reached, all from loving you.

You mean more to me than I could ever show,

And nothing I could do would ever be enough.

I wish I could express my honest feelings and talk about everything openly and freely,

But something within me won’t let me.
To the best of my ability I love you,

But it’s nowhere close to expressing how much you actually mean to me.

And it drives me mad

Why can’t I just talk about these things openly?

It’s like my subconscious is trying to lock me away from you,

Or protecting me from this potential danger; Love,

Its had it’s fair share of victims.

Maybe my subconscious is just looking out for me to not be the next.

Still I just wish I could show you just how crazily in love I am with you,

But I can’t.

Standard
poetry

Turning Point in how I View Love: Reflecting

I used to think I had no feelings, no guilt, no shame. I wished for someone to break my heart and throw me away, so that maybe I’d get some sort of sensation. I danced my way blindly from person to person. But today I realized, anything I might have had was not me destroying them, in fact, it was the other way around.

 

When you never get heart felt affection, and just get used for one thing, its hard to normally develop feelings of security and trust in a partner, a general feeling of being loved and well taken care of. But when over and over you’re proven that this doesn’t exist, you start to believe that all men are the same. And so, to numb the pain, I put all the blame on myself. Its easier to accept that you didn’t want anything else, than to come to terms with the fact that every one of them was just using you for sex. Its easy to just say, “I don’t have any feelings” and move on thinking you can’t be harmed. But after years of people throwing knifes at you, and you bluntly ignoring their sharp edges, it drives your subconscious mad.

 

I was blinded for a long time, and when I met you, I thought you’d be the same. Just like all the others before you had proven to me over and over again. When guys and girls jumped after me I didn’t mind; after all, to me, you weren’t any different from them. For months on months, it didn’t mean much to me, I was waiting for the moment of realization that Im nothing to you but some form of pleasure. I didn’t mean much to myself either, I didn’t care. But then a couple of days ago it clicked. After almost six months, I started to notice just how immense this thing between us two is. I always knew I loved you, but I abstained from saying it. Its so easy to tell someone you love them, but you don’t have to mean it, I could tell you, but what if you just left? What would I have said it for?

 

In the beginning it was all games for me, thats all I knew. But you wouldn’t understand that if I told you. To me, it was a game of waiting for you to finally tell me “Im done,” and leave.  After all, it easy to be nice to someone, and love blinds. You could easily treat someone well for a while, but even that gets tiring after a while. I couldn’t take anything 100 percent seriously, because I was expecting you to leave. But you never did. But from now on Im serious about this. I realized I don’t want or need anybody else, I only want you. I don’t need anyone else’s attention and I don’t want to be scared and wait for the day you come to tell me you don’t want me anymore. Im sick and tired of being half loved, hiding beneath somber blankets of grey, reassuring myself that it was me, not them. Reassuring myself I can’t feel anyways, so why care? As sad as it sounds, that is what I had been doing for years, and thats how my story of love had started, and continued with every new guy I put my trust in, so what would the possibility of you being different be?

 

But then you showed me all the sides of love I never knew existed. So new, so beautiful, that I didn’t know how to react. And the reason I was so scared for almost half a year, shying away from trusting you, or taking anything seriously, was to protect myself. You were too perfect to be true. So I waited patiently for your perfect picture to collapse and for the bitter truth to uncover itself. It had been proven to me so many times, that it was just a matter of time for you to turn out the same. But now that you’re gone, and its giving me time to think, I don’t believe you are like them.

 

It took a few months, but Im ready to take this seriously. I want to spend my life with you. I don’t want to spend it with anyone else. I want to give you all I am, all Ive got within me, and make you feel how much I appreciate you. But most of all, I want to overcome my inner fear of not loving you fully to protect myself from all the harm the others before you have done. Its not your fault and I don’t want you to suffer the consequences of my fucked up past, you don’t deserve it. And even though this marks a big step in my life, I want to start taking everything we do very seriously. I care about you very deeply, I want you to know and feel that. And even if one day in the future you will decide you don’t want me (and it would probably kill me) you are still the only one, who ever treated me well. You’re the only one who had patience, who listened to me, who accepted me as I was. You don’t only want me to come over, use me for sex, and then tell me to leave. But as weird as it might sound, thats what I thought love was, and what it would always be. But you showed me that its so much more than that.

 

And now that Ive placed my full trust in you, Im ready to take this relationship a step further, further than I ever thought a relationship could be taken. I want to move on from games, and playful beginning stages, not taking anything seriously, dancing my way around. Im fully committed, and Im done with waiting for you to turn out like them, because I have full trust,

that you won’t.

Standard
poetry

Guilt

Im drowning in guilt and I don’t even know why

It was late at night, I was drunk, we were dancing.

She threw herself on me and wouldn’t let go,

She kissed me, but in my drunkenness, I wasn’t able to get her off right away.

After the initial realization,

I pushed her off.

I didn’t want anything with her anymore.

What had I done?

I love only him, not her.

I don’t even care about her.

I pushed her away, I told her I didn’t want this.

The rest of my night was not enjoyable.

I was battling with the horrible thought of you leaving me forever,

For something I didnt want.

I woke up the next morning,

And months later I still feel shame,

I just cant shake the feeling,

That Im the worst person in the world,

And that if you found out,

You would just drop me and forget me.

You would never trust me again.

Even though it was out of my control.

But how you would react I don’t know.

Maybe you would scream at me, and I would never go out again.

Maybe you would just tell me to fuck off.

But I didn’t want this, I pushed her off.

I knew I only wanted you.

But still, this combination of never telling you

And my general anxious driven state,

Are making this whole thing unbearable.

So if Ill end up telling you I will never know.

I just hope if I do, you won’t just tell me to go fuck myself, stand up, and go.

Standard
poetry

Love

Its hard for me to put into words all I feel for you

I could tell you I loved you more than all the stars in the universe,

But even that wouldn’t be enough.

Im not a naturally affectionate person,

But when I met you that changed.

Im giving you all Ive got within me,

All I want is for you to be happy.

I want you to be the best you can be,

And I want to support your dreams.

I want to hold your hand and hug you tight

When you’re crying at night.

And I want to be the reason you laugh

So hard you can’t breathe.

I want to be there in the morning when we wake up,

Grumpy at first, but still you manage to mumble good morning.

I just love you so much.

And I don’t even think you understand the mere scale I am talking about.

I fear that I won’t ever actually be able to show you how much I do,

I won’t ever be able to give you enough of me, enough to prove how much you mean to me.

And I fear that I won’t ever actually be able to give so much of me,

To show you how important you are to me.

But all I can is to make you feel how much I care for you.

And I hope you notice and feel

That there will never be anything more beautiful and real,

Than what we are.

Standard
poetry

“Look me in the eyes”

He grabbed my face,

“Look me in the eyes goddammit.”

A simple action some might say.

After months of being together,

One might think it would come naturally.

But all I saw was fire.

All I felt was pain, in this moment of desire.

I was afraid.

But still I looked at you in my most vulnerable state.

I did, Im not weak, but you made me feel it.

Something about your mechanical, aggressive stare intimidated me.

But I could never tell you, and you would never understand,

That the last time I looked at someone this way,

They broke me.

Shaking and crying I lay on the floor,

And he didn’t care.

He just left and laughed.

You are not him,

But something about this whole thing

Is making me so nervous,

And I can’t shake the feeling,

That maybe you’ll end up being the same one day.

Standard