I used to think I had no feelings, no guilt, no shame. I wished for someone to break my heart and throw me away, so that maybe I’d get some sort of sensation. I danced my way blindly from person to person. But today I realized, anything I might have had was not me destroying them, in fact, it was the other way around.
When you never get heart felt affection, and just get used for one thing, its hard to normally develop feelings of security and trust in a partner, a general feeling of being loved and well taken care of. But when over and over you’re proven that this doesn’t exist, you start to believe that all men are the same. And so, to numb the pain, I put all the blame on myself. Its easier to accept that you didn’t want anything else, than to come to terms with the fact that every one of them was just using you for sex. Its easy to just say, “I don’t have any feelings” and move on thinking you can’t be harmed. But after years of people throwing knifes at you, and you bluntly ignoring their sharp edges, it drives your subconscious mad.
I was blinded for a long time, and when I met you, I thought you’d be the same. Just like all the others before you had proven to me over and over again. When guys and girls jumped after me I didn’t mind; after all, to me, you weren’t any different from them. For months on months, it didn’t mean much to me, I was waiting for the moment of realization that Im nothing to you but some form of pleasure. I didn’t mean much to myself either, I didn’t care. But then a couple of days ago it clicked. After almost six months, I started to notice just how immense this thing between us two is. I always knew I loved you, but I abstained from saying it. Its so easy to tell someone you love them, but you don’t have to mean it, I could tell you, but what if you just left? What would I have said it for?
In the beginning it was all games for me, thats all I knew. But you wouldn’t understand that if I told you. To me, it was a game of waiting for you to finally tell me “Im done,” and leave. After all, it easy to be nice to someone, and love blinds. You could easily treat someone well for a while, but even that gets tiring after a while. I couldn’t take anything 100 percent seriously, because I was expecting you to leave. But you never did. But from now on Im serious about this. I realized I don’t want or need anybody else, I only want you. I don’t need anyone else’s attention and I don’t want to be scared and wait for the day you come to tell me you don’t want me anymore. Im sick and tired of being half loved, hiding beneath somber blankets of grey, reassuring myself that it was me, not them. Reassuring myself I can’t feel anyways, so why care? As sad as it sounds, that is what I had been doing for years, and thats how my story of love had started, and continued with every new guy I put my trust in, so what would the possibility of you being different be?
But then you showed me all the sides of love I never knew existed. So new, so beautiful, that I didn’t know how to react. And the reason I was so scared for almost half a year, shying away from trusting you, or taking anything seriously, was to protect myself. You were too perfect to be true. So I waited patiently for your perfect picture to collapse and for the bitter truth to uncover itself. It had been proven to me so many times, that it was just a matter of time for you to turn out the same. But now that you’re gone, and its giving me time to think, I don’t believe you are like them.
It took a few months, but Im ready to take this seriously. I want to spend my life with you. I don’t want to spend it with anyone else. I want to give you all I am, all Ive got within me, and make you feel how much I appreciate you. But most of all, I want to overcome my inner fear of not loving you fully to protect myself from all the harm the others before you have done. Its not your fault and I don’t want you to suffer the consequences of my fucked up past, you don’t deserve it. And even though this marks a big step in my life, I want to start taking everything we do very seriously. I care about you very deeply, I want you to know and feel that. And even if one day in the future you will decide you don’t want me (and it would probably kill me) you are still the only one, who ever treated me well. You’re the only one who had patience, who listened to me, who accepted me as I was. You don’t only want me to come over, use me for sex, and then tell me to leave. But as weird as it might sound, thats what I thought love was, and what it would always be. But you showed me that its so much more than that.
And now that Ive placed my full trust in you, Im ready to take this relationship a step further, further than I ever thought a relationship could be taken. I want to move on from games, and playful beginning stages, not taking anything seriously, dancing my way around. Im fully committed, and Im done with waiting for you to turn out like them, because I have full trust,
that you won’t.